Monthly Archives: May 2017

My Rainbow Baby

My rainbow baby……..where do I even start?!
I gave myself a goal of when I would allow myself to try again after loosing Ethan. It was a huge step to take and one that I wanted to make sure I was as ready for. So after New Year we decided that in the new year we would try again. It was far from an easy journey though!
I was planning and hosting a charity even at the same time to distract myself from everything else around me.
Now pause for a second, after Ethan’s funeral and him being cremated no-one got in touch with us to tell us we had some ashes from the funeral so naturally we assumed we didn’t have any. I had a massive meltdown at work one day after reading something online and phoned my husband in a state panicking. I was so upset at the thought that we may have just left our son and what if his ashes were somewhere and I had just left him? I was in bits. I got home that night to some great news, my husband had done some investigating and Ethan’s ashes were being held somewhere waiting for us to collect.
They very next day we were allowed to collect them. I remember the date, it was the 19th February. As I got ready that morning I felt different, s not thinking anything of it I took a test. I couldn’t believe it, the test was positive! I was thrilled! Then panic set in…..
I had such a mixture of emotions. I was about to go and collect Ethan’s ashes and yet I had just found out I was pregnant again. My head was everywhere!!
I don’t think I believed it for a long time that I was actually pregnant. I was too scared to believe it in case I hoped I might get a baby to keep this time, I was so scared of allowing myself to love my little baby growing inside of me. We told a few family and friends, they too were worried about us and our baby. The consultant had already told us that we had done nothing wrong with Ethan and it was just really bad luck, he also told us though that what happened to Ethan was less than a 1% chance of happening and that any other pregnancies we now had a 5% chance it would happen again.
I can guess what you might be thinking, that’s OK though that’s 95% chance that baby will be OK……Wrong! in my head all I could think was that it had happened once and the chances were so small, so why would it not happen again? Our chances had just increased! I was petrified!
Our family and friends were so supportive of us over the next few months, we had a lot to contend with.
I started bleeding at 5/6 weeks and I remember ringing the the early pregnancy unit for advice and she said something about oh I’m sure it will be OK, it’s probably just settling in or something I can’t remember exactly. Anyway I started to cry down the phone to her and said she didn’t understand and that I couldn’t loose another baby…
So off I went to EPU with husband in tow for a check up and a scan booked for the following week. She told me to not lift anything heavy etc and rest when possible. So that’s what I did. A week later we ad the scan and I was around 6 weeks and baby was progressing OK so far and there was a heartbeat! I was thrilled but my journey had far from begun.
The next hurdle was the 12 week scan, I had the scan on 21st April. There was still a heartbeat and everything looked OK so far. Excellent! I still couldn’t get too excited though, I still had the biggest hurdle to overcome. The heart scan….Meanwhile at some point in April 2015 I had a meltdown at home, I was so terrified of loosing my baby that one day when I was at home alone with my Step Son I went upstairs and cried on my bed. My Mum rang me about something and I cancelled the call, I just couldn’t speak I was crying that much. She was round at my house in a flash though, checked on William and cane up to me and found me in a heap on the floor in absolute floods of tears and crying to her saying I can’t do it, I can’t loose another baby. That’s all I said. At that point I knew I had to take some time out from work and go back on see my counsellor that I saw after I lost Ethan. She was amazing and really helped me think straight and helped me cope with my emotions that I had going on. I should mention at this point that Ethan was due on 17th October 2014 and Alfie was due on 26th October 2015, so needless to say the fact that my pregnancies were running along side each other time wise only a year apart was bloody hard!!!!
They booked the heart scan for baby on 2nd June, I was in absolute bits but it had to be done that week, it was the soonest that they could do it when the heart was fully formed etc. The problem was it was the day before I ad had my heart scan not 1 year earlier…..same hospital, same waiting room….
Oh my god, I was overcome with such emotion, I was in bits and sobbing just sat there, what if it happened again? Why should this baby be OK? Would I be allowed to keep this baby? What if I have another boy? Ethan was my boy, I didn’t think I could cope having a boy and I didn’t want a boy….I know that probably sounds awful but all I could think was if baby was a girl I could cope better and everything would be completely different and it would be OK. I’m not ashamed at how I felt, grief does the strangest thing to your mind. Anyway, my husband and I sat there in the waiting room, silent and both thinking a million different thoughts and situations….
My husband refused to sit where we st just one year earlier so we sat on the opposite side (there were just two rows of chairs facing each other). I could guess what he was thinking, if we don’t sit on that side may be it won’t happen again. Meanwhile I was hoping for a different room as I couldn’t face going in that room again where they scanned me last time.
Anyway it was our turn, my name was called and in we went, I was shaking. I sobbed before I even got on the couch, I begged someone in my head praying to myself that it didn’t happen again, I just couldn’t face it. I refused to loose another baby and I wouldn’t. Anyway I forget how many people were there but the lady that did the scan was so lovely and sympathetic. She knew our history and promised to get it done as quick as possible and that she would be quiet for a while and would tell us what she could as soon as possible. I have no idea how long we waited for news while she scanned me but I can assure you it felt like an eternity, my hand grasping at my husbands hand, my heart was pounding in my chest and silent tears rolling down my cheeks and silently praying for good news. Then finally she spoke……….’there is no evidence of any hypoplastic left heart syndrome and everything else is functioning normally, baby has a strong heart’. Well that was it, I sobbed! My prayers had been answered! My baby was OK!!!!! The relief was intense I can tell you. I was 19 weeks at this point and still had the 20 week scan to overcome but I still couldn’t believe it! We were so happy to tell everyone the good news. I was still seeing my counsellor and had a few more sessions to go to get me through the next few weeks.
They originally wanted me to have my heart scan on the 8th June but after crying in the reception to the midwife and saying no I just can’t, I can’t, my husband calmed me down and calmly explained to the midwife why I couldn’t come on that day. So the heart scan was done and now the 20 week scan to come……
The day arrived, 11th June. We had had Ethan’s first anniversary and celebrated nicely with a walk, lunch out and getting his ashed put in a teddy at build a bear so we could cuddle him forever more. (FYI best thing I have done this and the boys love having a cuddle with their brother although Alfie doesn’t understand yet).
So there we sat in the waiting room waiting to go in for the scan. I ended up having to go in the same room as I had the with Ethan which sent my anxiety up but never mind I just wanted to get it done! So we sat there and the lady scanned me, then came the words. Everything is fine. I couldn’t quite believe what she told me! My baby was OK!!! We asked her if she could also tell us what sex the baby was…..a boy…….
Such a mixture of emotions, I was so scared to hold a baby again and to have a boy. How would I feel holding another son after holding Ethan?
I slowly started to come round to the idea and it was about 26 weeks or more before I finally accepted that I might actually come home with a baby! At that point I allowed myself to buy things and start painting the nursery. It was all so hard as I should have been doing this for Ethan. How could I paint a room for my second son when it should have been my first son’s bedroom?! It was so hard but we did it.
The next hardest thing was all the questions from people……….is this your first? That was the worst one. I just didn’t know what to say or how to answer, sometimes I lied and said yes and sometimes I said it was my second. Sometimes I tell people that I had a son before Alfie and sometimes I don’t, it depends. It’s a tough question and I dread it every time.
The following months got easier and I slowly got more and more excited as the weeks and months went by. Although it was still hard and I had a few more scans along the way due to my bump measuring small, it was scary and worrying but I got through it.
Eventually I finished for maternity leave, still in fear of not coming home with a baby, worried about how I feel being in labour again after my first experience ending in such tragedy. I kept myself very busy and didn’t do the whole rest part at all!!! Instead I was scrubbing bathrooms, transferring clothes into new furniture, baking, cooking etc you name it. I had to sort through all Alfie’s clothes too some of which I had originally bought for Ethan along with a few bath toys. It was just so hard.
Friday 16th October came, it was baby loss remembrance / awareness week, I had been busy sorting our bedroom out as we had just decorated, I went with hubby to do the big shop, made tea, out the shopping away, went to the tip……I was sat watching the bake off (the one where Paul and Mary show how it should have been baked!!) and started to feel really uncomfortable. I could not sit anywhere and get comfortable so I took myself for a bath. It was around 10pm that evening. I sat there for a while and thought ‘could it be?’ ‘no, no way I had another week to go….’
I started timing the pains that kept on coming, eventually my husband came to check on me and asked how I was? After noticing that I had been timing my pains and saw me have another pain, he asked how often my app had told me to go to hospital, I replied 4 times!!!!! At the point I was still in denial, I couldn’t go into labour, not today….I even told my husband, I kept saying no, not today, I can’t, Can we just wait another day?! Reluctantly I got out of the bath and slowly started to get dressed, my husband meanwhile rushing around making sure we had everything. We arrived at the hospital shortly after midnight, still in disbelief that I was in labour. The midwife checked over me and that was t, I was 5 cm dilated already and in labour. I cried, our rainbow baby was going to be born on my angel baby’s due date……
My husband rang both our parents who then spent all night by the phone anxiously waiting for good news. Apart from being petrified that something might still go wrong I had a pretty good labour, after an hour of pushing Alfie eventually arrived at 9:01am on Saturday 17th October. As I held him in my arms for the first time and listened to the sound of his cries/his breathing, I kissed him and whispered ‘you’re here, I can’t believe it you are here. We did it. I love you so much’, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I was holding my son and he was alive, the emotions that ran through me were unreal. I never wanted to let him go, he was mine and I could keep him! I think I even asked the nurse was she sure I could take him home?! Daft I know but I couldn’t believe it, he was mine and he was mine to keep this time and he was absolutely perfect. Alfie Roy, his second name was given to him after my late Grandad who had sadly passed away only a few months before Alfie was born and sadly didn’t make it to October to see my bring home a healthy baby. Although I am sure he is watching over us and looking after my angel baby for me.
We arrived home a few hours later and both parents came to see him, needless to say we were all over joyed that our rainbow baby made it safely.
The next few weeks were the hard but nothing unusual. Although at 5 days old Alfie had to go into hospital for tests as he had lost so much weight and they were worried he was de-hydrated. They say that all parents are worried and anxious etc but I can’t help but think ours are heightened. I mean why wouldn’t they be after all we had gone through?
It’s been a tough ride with Alfie from start to finish in more ways than one, the pregnancy was emotionally and physically just un-bearable, I had so much anxiety and also suffered with SPD so I was on crutches for half my pregnancy. I would love to say I enjoyed being pregnant but I didn’t really. I loved my bump yes, being a Mummy was all I had ever wanted but I will never again have that innocence that being pregnant is all happy and wonderful and exciting. After having Alfie I suffered with a lot of anxiety for lots of reasons, I was petrified of loosing him and thinking it couldn’t be right, what if something happens to him and this baby is taken from me. I also suffered with more grief from loosing Ethan as now I had a baby in my arms I knew exactly what I was missing with Ethan and that hurt even more. Alfie when he was born looked like Ethan too and caught my breath a few times when I looked at him. I still look at Alfie sometimes now and wonder if Ethan would have looked the same and what his personality would have been like. Alfie wasn’t the easiest baby to look after either!!!! He suffered from really bad reflux and we have found out after his 1st birthday that he has an intolerance to milk, soya and eggs. He used to scream so much and feeding him was a nightmare, I was so grateful to have a baby to look after that I could call my own but it was hard to enjoy much when he screamed so much all day and all night!!!!
Alfie’s first birthday was celebrated with a big party, it was important to me to celebrate his life but the day before I was a mess as if things had gone OK with Ethan this could have been his birthday. I still have my moments and find it hard. Sometimes I hold Alfie so tight as I just feel so lucky to even get the chance to have one baby to keep. He is my absolute world and I literally cannot describe the amount of love I have for him and how much he means to me and my family. He is so special to me and my husband I just can’t explain. Ethan will always remain in our hearts and Alfie will always be the one that gave my that first true smile.
Alfie is not here instead of Ethan, he is here because of him. I had a few signs leading up to my labour starting with Alfie and I honestly believe that Ethan watches over us and that he sends us signs to say he is with us. I’d like to think they would have been great playing together.
I am sure I will have more things to overcome in life as time goes on, explaining to Alfie about his other brother who lives in the sky and more questions from other people about when am I going to have another and how many children did I have etc…..
For now though, I have been through enough and the fact that I even have Alfie is amazing. He is my world and makes me laugh every single day, his laugh and his hugs are priceless.
I love you Alfie, more than you will ever know. You are worth everything to me and I will strive to be the best Mummy I can to you and protect you as much as I can.
Love you always and forever, my darling precious rainbow baby.
Mummy
aka Emma aka #dyspraxicdomesticatedMummy

My son died…..

Welcome to my second blog!For my second blog I wanted to introduce my first born son.
As I have said before I am a Mummy to three boys. My first born son was called Ethan. Yes you read that correct. Was.
My son died. Those three words often make other people feel really uncomfortable.
Guess what? There is a lot more that makes me feel uncomfortable!!!
I got pregnant with Ethan 5 months after I got married. We found out on the 8th February 2014 and we couldn’t have been happier.
I always wanted to be a Mummy and have a family, I had a wonderful step son and wanted to have a baby of my own and expand our family. We were so excited and couldn’t wait to share our news with everyone!
Naturally in my head I suddenly planned my entire future with our baby, after all what could possibly go wrong…….I was pregnant of course I was going to come home with my baby….
Looking back now I feel so naive, I didn’t have a clue that things could go wrong.
Anyway, I had a perfectly normal pregnancy. I went for my 12 week scan and there he was! My tiny sweet precious baby! He had a heartbeat and was swooshing around nicely in my belly! It was Mother’s Day and my birthday within a day of each other when we told our parents and close friends, I mean what better time? It was a memorable day to tell them and seemed like a perfect Mother’s Day present…..
We told everyone else after my 12 week scan.
I was absolutely over the moon telling everyone that we were expecting a baby! I was so thrilled, it was finally me! I was expecting my first baby! I had waited so long to be this woman that was creating life, I planned everything in my head getting carried away with myself. I had always wanted to be a Mummy and now I was.
So our planning began, we started thinking of names, buying clothes, planning the nursery, everything…….
I was around 19 weeks on my husbands birthday and suddenly I felt him move! My husband was thrilled as he felt him too and it was the perfect birthday present! I looked and felt fabulous, my bump was growing nicely and I had felt Ethan kick me for the first time. Life was great.
Just less than a week after my husbands birthday was the 20 week scan. Tuesday 3rd June at 8:30am. I woke up that morning and I remember receiving text messages saying how excited people were and were we finding out what we were having? The truth is for some reason I wasn’t excited, I don’t even know why. I had no reason to. Everything was progressing nicely and all my appointments had been ok and we heard his heart beating only a few weeks before the 20 week scan. Call it Mother’s intuition but something didn’t sit right with me that morning and I was nervous.
Off we went to the hospital for our scan, she called our name and in I was. I lay down on the couch and out came the scanner probe and the cold jelly on my lovely round bump! She was there for a while and unfortunately our baby was being a little monkey and facing my spine so she couldn’t see everything and asked us to go for a walk outside and drink some caffeine to get get him moving, but so far everything seemed OK.
So off we went for a little walk, blissfully unaware that our world was about to come crashing down around us.
After 20 minutes I was back on the couch cold jelly and scanner probe at the ready. It didn’t take her too long before so replaced the scanner probe and said she just needed to go and get someone else in. At this point we still didn’t think anything was wrong. I work for the NHS myself and we often go and ask for our colleagues opinion on things, so this was normal right?
The other technician came in and sat down, introduced herself and said that she had just come in to check some measurements. Now I can’t remember how long she actually scanned me this lady but looking back it felt like seconds as something clicked in my head, something was wrong. She replaced the scanner probe and turned to me and said “I’m really sorry but I think there is something wrong with your baby’s heart”.
My world came crashing down around me. It literally felt like someone had grabbed my heart, ripped it from my chest and stamped on it on the floor.
Now some things from this point are a bit of a blur to say the least.
I remember being ushered into another room with just a few chairs, a picture of a plant on the wall, a coffee table and a box of tissues on the table. A lady came to speak to us about having to go to another hospital for a specialist scan and could we go now? She must have said a bunch of other things too but I have no idea. I remember texting a few people like parents and may be close friends I don’t know and telling them that there was possibly something wrong with baby’s heart and that we had to have a further scan.
We arrived at the next hospital and sat down in the waiting area, my heart was pounding in my chest, I don’t think my husband and I said two words to each other. Neither of us knew what to do or say or what to expect.
My name was called and in I went, there was three people in the room. A specialist nurse and two consultants. I lay back on the bed, I had a screen in front so we could see what was happening and the big scanner at the side of me.
On went the cold jelly and scanner probe again…….
I squeezed my husbands hand so so very tightly, I didn’t let go, the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I was so scared of what they were going to say, I had a thousand questions and thoughts running through my head. I have to say the people in the room were extremely nice. They tried to chat to us and help us relax a little, the consultant even asked me what I did for a job…
I turned to him and said “I work in Cardiology”, his jaw dropped and that was a conversation stopper right there!
I was scanned for hours (in fact in total I think it was almost 4 hours that day that I was scanned).
Part way through they had to stop as baby had moved again and was facing my back so they couldn’t get everything they needed to. So off we went for another walk and more caffeine and chocolate! At his point all we knew was that there was a narrowing of the arteries. As we were walking around my husband asked me what I thought they could do for narrowing of the arteries. So my brain went into work mode talking through things I thought they could do, I mean surely it was fixable right?
After 20 minutes of walking around we went back into the room for the rest of the heart scan.
I don’t remember this bit of the scan at all (I have been told since that shock and such trauma can often cause memory loss). The next thing I remember is being asked to take a seat in the room next door. So in we went and sat in a very similar room to before, a couch and a few chairs, a coffee table, box of tissues and a picture of a plant on the wall.
The consultant came in with a pen and paper in hand.
As he sat there talking to us I remember, thinking this is not happening, this can’t be happening to us. He explained to us that our baby had four very severe heart defects. He had severe hypo-plastic left heart syndrome, severe aortic stenosis, severe aortic coarction and a huge atrial septic defect. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. I sat there in disbelief trying desperately to take it all in.
Then came ‘the choices’………..
We had several ‘choices’ (I use these ‘ ‘ as to us we don’t feel like we had a choice), we could continue the pregnancy and try and save his life, which would require 5 major heart operations within the first year of his life, the first very shortly after birth and eventually a heart transplant. He would suffer, he wouldn’t have been able to walk, talk, breathe, eat or play properly. Each operation would be a 50/50 chance of him surviving, he would most likely suffer and even with a heart transplant he would most likely die by the age of 20.
We could continue with the pregnancy to the end, go into labour and just not intervene and let our baby die peacefully. Our final option was to chose to deliver him early and ultimately save him suffering.
I couldn’t believe it, just yesterday I was sat getting excited that I was half way through the pregnancy and half way through paining the nursery and sorting through some of the clothes we had bought……and now I was sat deciding the fate of my baby and ultimately when would I let them die? This week or in a few years after lots of operations and suffering? He left us for a few minutes to give us time to think. To say we both broke down into floods of tears is an understatement of the century!
What had we done wrong? Why was it happening to us?
In the end it all got too much and we just wanted to go home. We told them we would phone the following day. So off home we went.
That wasn’t the end of it though…….
We had to tell our family and friends. How the hell do you tell your parents that their grandchild they were so excitedly expecting was so severely poorly and broken that they were going to die?!
The next few days are a blur. We had a few visitors. People brought us food, chocolates etc. I phoned the hospital and gave them our decision.
My husband and I decided that we didn’t want to let our baby suffer and that we would deliver him early and end his suffering early.
We had to get our hospital bag ready to go in, I had to be induced to go into labour and deliver our baby that we couldn’t bring home. What on earth do you pack to take to the hospital when you are going to deliver a baby that is going to die?
I had to go in to hospital for a few hours on the Thursday to take some tablets and get my body ready to think it was going to go into labour. Or at least that’s what I think it was (terrible memory again!). My husband and I curled up on the bed together in the antenatal ward playing solitaire or whatever whilst listening to the expectant Mum’s outside on scanners hearing their baby’s heart beating away nicely…….
Friends and family continued to visit as I sat there, blank face, numb inside feeling my baby inside happily kicking away…….
Anyway in we went on the Saturday and everything was explained to us, we signed all the forms etc and confirmed our decision. We were in the butterfly room which is for bereaved parents on the labour ward.
I took the tablets and off we went. That was it. I had been induced and labour was going to start.
It took around 12 hours from the first tablet to our son actually arriving. I had contractions and everything. The pain was intense from my heart and my stomach. The urge to push came shortly after 1am, my husband pressed the button and the nursing staff came in. Our precious angel was born at 1:12am on the Sunday morning. He was utterly perfect. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. They wrapped him up and handed him to me.
Now I had been warned about this next bit, as our son lay lifeless and silent in my arms, my husband sat with me, he took a tiny breath! I couldn’t believe it! My heart kept with excitement and I stupidly thought for a second ‘yes he might be OK’ (I knew he wouldn’t be but it was that false hope for one second). I gave him to my husband and he had a cuddle too, he took another breath! We alerted the nurse, who said she had to ring a Doctor to come and see him. My husband handed him back to me and there he took his third and final breath in my arms. My son was gone.
The Doctor came and pronounced his death. It was official. He is now registered as being alive for 28 minutes.
Our parents came to the hospital to meet him and we all sat around drinking tea and eating toast. I never took my eyes off him. I let people hold him but ultimately the need to protect him was still there and I wanted to hold him all the time to protect him. It probably doesn’t make sense that but my son had just died, what is there to make sense of in such a tragic time of my life. Nothing was going to make sense again. My world had been flipped upside down, my life had changed forever, how could I possibly be the same person again after such a tragic loss?
As we sat there in silence I could hear the faint sounds of other ladies in labour and their babies crying whilst mine lay there in my arms lifeless. They say the worse noise in the world is silence and it’s true, we brought a baby into the world in complete silence. To say it was heart breaking was a complete understatement.
It was around 10am on the Sunday morning and we had to try and leave to go home. As my husband and parents gathered our things together I was giving my son a final cuddle. A final kiss goodbye. I final everything.
I had been given a memory box full of different things such as hand and foot prints, a matching teddy and leaflets……..I lay my son in his cuddle cot, I asked the nurse to look after him and out I went. My box of leaflets in one hand, my husbands hand in the other. I left the ward in floods of tears and screaming that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t leave my baby. I wanted him back and I couldn’t leave him.
I have no idea really what happened after that. People sent cards and flowers, some people brought food.
We registered our sons birth and death and got the certificates (bloody traumatic I can tell you! I sat in the waiting room next to a baby!!)
We started to plan our sons funeral. What flowers to have, what songs to pick, poems etc. How the bloody hell was I supposed to plan my babies funeral? How was I supposed to sit and look at a bunch of god damn bloody flowers! I week ago I was picking out colours for the nursery and now I was picking the colour of his coffin and what song to be played etc!
The funeral eventually came and happened. The coffin was blue, the songs had been picked, blue flowers lay upon his tiny coffin. I bought a brand new blue top and asked everyone to wear blue. It was a lovely warm and sunny day. We had a lovely turn out of friends and family, the service was as perfect as it could be. We let balloons off back at home afterwards.
Having a funeral for your child is something I can’t even begin to describe. I mean your children outlive you not the other way around!
I once read somewhere that the human heart isn’t designed for this kind of grief and it’s true. It’s a pain like no other and can be compared to absolutely nothing.
No expectant parent expects to picking out a coffin for their child, it’s just not something your supposed to do!
The journey following the funeral was immense, there is so much to over come as a bereaved parent and so much that runs through your mind. Anger, guilt, pain and sadness to name but a few. So many question and so little answers.
Life after loosing a baby is by no means an easy one, there are so many fears we face, first Christmas, first anniversary, due dates, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc
Each once is so hard to overcome. Each one a reminder that your baby is no longer here.
Experiencing those questions for the first time, “how many children have you got?”, “have you got any children?”, “how’s the pregnancy going?” “What do you have a boy or girl?”
There are so many other things that you have to go through too, like people saying louts of wrongs things! Their heart is in the right place but believe me I have had a lot of hurtful comments on the past and still get some now!
Life seems to go on for everyone else and they get back to normal while your left with empty arms and aching heart, wondering why the hell did it have to be me and when will I feel normal again?! It’s hard to get back on your feet afterwards, it took my several months but thankfully I had some wonderful support.
The grief never ends as a bereaved parent, my loss is almost exactly three years ago now and sometimes it still gets harder to breathe when I think of what happened. I still don’t know how I got through it all, I just know I did because I had to! I still get upset at anniversaries and Christmas, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They will always be difficult because I will always feel like he is missing from our life. I personally like to keep his memory alive, I take him flowers, I have his pictures up at home, he has teddies and other bits on a shelf in our living room.
Life is very difficult for grieving parents after they are are born and the grief never ends.
If you ever come into contact with someone who has lost their baby, don’t be afraid to ask their baby their name, people never do and believe me it will make that parents day! They don’t want their child to be ignored or forgotten about!
 
There is lots of support online for people who have lost a baby or know someone who has lost a baby, there is help and information for other people on how to help someone who has lost a baby, what to say and what not say.
I will leave a few links at the end of this blog.
If you got to the end of this I applaud you as it was a very long one this one and for that I am sorry!
I wanted to tell my story properly though as let’s face it. This is the only part of his life that I can ever talk about ever.
Love and miss you always, my darling precious angel Ethan. His life a beautiful memory, his absence a silent grief.
Always loved never forgotten.
Forever my angel and forever my baby.
Hope you have enjoyed my second blog as much as I enjoyed sharing my story.

Emma
#dyspraxicdomesticatedmummy
https://www.sands.org.uk
http://www.arc-uk.org
Please feel free to leave comments below or get in touch via email.
There are lots more things I could talk about! It’s a never ending subject. If you would like more information or anything please ask.