Monthly Archives: September 2017


So tomorrow is the day that I’ve spent months planning.
I’m nervous, excited and emotional all in one go.
I am so worried that people won’t come or that it won’t be a success. It means the world to me this.
Loosing Ethan was truly the worst thing I have ever experienced. There was ultimately nothing anyone could have done. There are things though that helped make the situations bearable.
I just hope that I can raise money to help other people. Money makes the world go round ultimately. So everything that helped us make the situation of loosing Ethan that little bit easier if that’s the way to put it costs money. So I want to raise money to give to the hospital to spend on things so that other people get the same treatment.
Last time I did an event like this I raised just short of £2,000 which bought another cold cot.
A cold cot is a refrigerated cot where babies that have passed are kept with their parents. Without them.babies would have to be taken to the morgue fairly quickly. This way with a cold cot the babies can be kept with their parents for longer.
I have a memory box that I got when I lost Ethan. It’s got everything in it. Like most things though it costs money. It’s at least £20. It means the world to me as it has all my memories of Ethan in it. All my memories that I have of my son in one box.
It’s devastating but it’s all I got. I walked in pregnant and walked out with no baby and a box.
So if tomorrow’s event can do anything. I just hope that I can buy even just a few memory boxed for other parents.
It’s awful having everything in a box but it still means a lot even though it pains me.
Tomorrow is going to be emotional. I just can’t believe that people are going out of their way to help me. It’s amazing and I feel so lucky.
October is a funny ole month really for me.
Ethan’s due date was October. Alfie was born in October and it’s also baby loss remembrance week in October. It’s really tough and plays on my emotions a lot
What was and what could have been.
I miss my son Ethan and I love him so so very much. I have a lot of good days but I still have my bad moments occasionally. The other night I sobbed in Ste’s arms and just said I want him back. I hate that my heart aches for him so much. I know he couldn’t have lived but sometimes I forget just how seriously poorly he was and all I can think is that I need and want my son back.
It’s not normal to have to have a funeral for your child and there is no way of getting passed that.
Anyway. I’m.going to go to bed praying that people turn up tomorrow and that it’s as successful before.
Wish me luck. This event means a lot to me.
Sorry this probably hasn’t made much sense!
One emotional angel Mummy xx

That Look

That Look


To the woman who gave my friend and I that look this week……

How very rude of you!

Two toddlers in tow and a baby, my friend and I decided to have a long over due catch up at a child friendly place. The Sea Life Centre.

As you can imagine. It wasn’t an easy trip out! Bags everywhere, prams, baby carriers, reins, two worn out slightly stressed Mum’s and you have the audacity to give us that look…..!

Just because your child who was older than ours too may I point out, was doing exactly what they were told and being ‘the perfect child’, there was no need for you to look at us the way you did and look down on us. You might have you s*** together but for all you know, it could have taken a lot for us to get out that day. What if we had been the type to be bothered by your look? What if I was having a really bad day and had terrible anxiety and had been really stressed, nervous, worried etc about taking my toddler out. I would also like to point out that my child is not a naughty child. He isn’t even 2 yet!

I’ve had my days when Alfie was a lot younger where I was scared of taking him out because of other people. I was scared of people’s reactions and what they might say or what they would think of me when he screamed and got upset for food/his bottle. Or when he screamed because the bottle he just had was hurting his tummy because he has reflux and unknowingly a dairy intolerance. I sat and cried many a time in public with my friend by my side with her baby. I dreaded taking him out and having to feed him. I was scared that people might judge me.

Thankfully I am a lot stronger now and feeding with him is fine – unless he is hungry and then you know about it ha ha!

Thank god though that I am not that scared anxiety ridden Mother now though as that one look you gave my friend and I this week could have set me back. Just because my son got upset and annoyed because he couldn’t take the pet snail home / hold him forever.

He’s exploring the world and finding things out. He has a lot to learn and doesn’t always understand why he can’t do certain things. He gets excited and frustrated and tests boundaries. He’s an explorer and he’s amazing. He has his moments yes but what toddler doesn’t? That’s how they learn!

He doesn’t always know how to express himself either, but you know what. That’s ok because he’s learning and that’s my job to help him understand and learn in life.

So next time you think about judging someone else and their child / baby / toddler. Don’t! Instead, if you have your s*** together maybe offer that Mum some support. Tell her it will pass and that she is doing an amazing job. Sometimes we need reminding. Parenting is flipping hard work, so don’t make someone else’s day that bit harder by judging their situation when you clearly don’t have a clue!!!

Thank – You

From a sometimes stressed out, over anxious, always worrying Mummy xx

Brain Fog

Hi All!

Welome back! Sorry it’s been a while but for some reason my brain has been having what I call brain fog. That lovely thing you get with dyspraxia when you have a ton of stuff to do and sort and can’t actually think straight at all. It honestly feels like I am wandering around in thick fog. A little lost with a vague idea of where to go!

I have recently decided to do another charity event for SANDS in memory of my son Ethan. I am extremely nervous yet excited to see what comes of it. I have lots of people baking for me and I have around 13 craft stalls where people come and sell their0 stuff. Some of the crafters have kindly offerred to donate a percentage of their takings on the day to SANDS. Last time I managed to raise nearly £2,000. I don’t expect to get anywhere near as much but hopefully a few hundred pounds would be nice. The idea is that the money goes towards anything the grieving families may need in order to support them. Cold cots to keep your baby with you longer or memory boxes etc. Anything. Whilst I have enjoyed organising this event it also drags up all my emotions that don’t usually arise so I am feeling quite emotional about it all too. It also makes me miss my son Ethan even more. It’s like a painful reminder that he’s not here. I don’t mind though as the pain and tears are a reminder that he existed and he wasn’t just in my imagination. He’s part of my memories.

My event isn’t long off now so I will do a blog after the event and let you know how it went. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

It’s almost Alfie’s 2nd birthday soon so that is on my to do list to sort out but it makes me nervous as his birthday was orginally Ethan’s due date.

So Ethan was due on 17th October 2014. Alfie was born 17th October 2015. It really messed with my head and emotionally I was a mess last year the day before Alfie’s 1st birthday. Hopefully this year wont be as bad but if there is anything I have learnt in this journey it is that the build up is often worse than the actual day. Like Christmas and anniversaries. In fact don’t even go there with Christmas. I mean my god. Christmas is all about children so when one of them is no longer here, all the christmas stuff around you is just absolutely heart wrenching. Its horrendous. It’s a real life nightmare. It’s a painful reminder everywhere you look. I mean it physically hurts. Another thing, recently everyone was posting school photos. Something I will never have with him. Ethan was very much a wanted baby and to say goodbye to him was by far the worst thing I will ever have to do in my life and I can honestly say it will hurt me forever.

Recently I have had a lot of people ask me if I am having another baby. Alfie is nearly two so people seem to think it’s ok to ask me when I am having another. I am not being funny but since when did it become ok to ask me something so personal about how many children I would like etc etc. It’s non of anyone elses buisness to be honest! That aside it actually really upsets me to talk about. Having Alfie and getting pregnant again after Ethan was so difficult and I was in pieces most days. Petrified about the thought of loosing another baby so I am sorry I am not prepared to put myself through that again just because you think I should have another!

Anyway moving on from that rant!!!

We are taking Alfie on holiday this year and we can’t wait! I have to say though, knowing what he is like I am a little concerned about entertaining him on the plane!!! I have put a pack together for him actually so I will let you know how it goes!

It was mine and my husband’s wedding anniversary recently. It was a very quiet celebration but he got me some wonderful flowers which was lovely. We sat and watched our wedding DVD and gosh. It amazes me how things change. Some people have died, some astray, some couples no longer together etc. So many people and so much attention on you both and then 4 years later and celebrating it is just you, him and the baby, a card from each other and the Mum and that’s it. Does anyone else suddenly get taken aback at how life changes? Don’t get me wrong I love my family and wouldn’t change them for anything but when I stop sometmes and look and think. I honestly can’t believe just how different life is in just a few short years or maybe more.

Anyway. Not much point to this one really other than to let you know about my brain fog ha ha! Keep your fingers crossed for me on the charity event and everything else that is helping with he brain fog recently!!!!

Take Care

Much love