Daily Archives: 13 October, 2017

October 

October is a funny ole month and a complete mix of emotions. Especially this year with the charity event.
The charity event went great by the way. I actually really enjoyed it! I couldn’t have done it without the help I had and it was truly a great success. There were a couple of things that I didn’t expect and didn’t go to plan but nobody else noticed and I think everyone involved had a good time too. If you’ve ever done a big charity event like that you will understand that incredible feeling that you get when you see all the hard work come together. It’s quite emotional actually. I got up rather early on the day and sat downstairs in my pjs, I was the only one up and got myself a cup of tea and just sat thinking and giving Ethan a cuddle. I sat and shed some tears into the soft fur of Ethan’s bear and thought about everything. What is, what was and what could have been.
My step son William was absolutely amazing that weekend. I’m lucky to have such a lovely bond with him. He insisted on helping me bake and get everything ready. He was my right hand man that weekend. He literally amazes me every time I see him, I’m lucky to know him and be a part of his life. I mean he’s nearly 13 and he’s helping his Step Mum bake and set up a charity event in his brothers memory. Amazing. I think since we have had Alfie he understands more about how sad the loss of his other brother is, he was 9 when we lost Ethan and I think as he gets older he gets it more and misses him more too.
William and I were driving around various places over that weekend collecting cakes from people that had baked for us. He turned to me and told me that he had put forward SANDS as the chosen charity for school, he then went on to tell me that the teacher had to explain what SANDS was to the rest of his class. The children voted and Williams charity tied with MacMillan. I mean how amazing is that? The boy astounds me. I sat choking back the tears whilst driving. I don’t think he realises how much these small gestures mean to me.
He was incredible the day of the event and insisted I get him up when I got up so he could get ready and be on time to help.  He also spent a fortune of mine and his Dad’s money that day but hey ho he’s a gorgeous caring and thoughtful boy and it was for a great charity so who cares?!
He tried to win Alfie a paw patrol gift on the tombola! He’s just so cute bless him.
So the day was a success, people came they ate cake and bought stuff, had a browse and a brew.
I am still collecting some money but all in all I raised just over £1,000!!!!!  I mean that’s just amazing isn’t it. In one day, in just a few hours. All that money to help families like me. I honestly can not put into words just how grateful I am to everyone who helped make that possible. It means the world to me. The money will be well spent on things to help grieving parents like myself.
Following the event comes baby loss remembrance week. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you will see the poems I have been popping up each day. I have a lot of poems that I have found over the years which all help me explain to myself and others how it is that I feel about the loss of my son. I can honestly say that unless you are unfortunate enough to have gone through a loss like this it is too difficult to out into words. I have a lot more good days now than I used to but I still have my bad days. I had one recently after reading something I knew I shouldn’t read but I read it anyway and cried so much and so hard that my poor husband wondered what the hell had happened. All rational thoughts went out of the window and I just said to him what have I done, I should have then him a chance, I should done more for him, I should have tried harder I gave up too soon.
I slowly came round to rational thinking and realised I was being silly. Ethan with the diagnoses he had and the several severe problems he had didn’t have any chance at a normal life at all and that was if he even survived the labour.
I was talking to a colleague today about the fact that we as humans attempt to prolong people’s life more and more now for as long as possible. Why though? What for? I mean with some exceptions I’m sure, why do we prolong people’s lives. It seems like it is just to make us feel better……..but if that was at the detriment my sons health, a differing life then I wasn’t prepared to do it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it many times more, I will live every day of my life in pain so that he doesn’t have to…..that’s what being a Mummy is to me. Sacrificing your needs for them.
One last topic on October before I go.
Ethan’s due date was October and it is also Alfie’s birthday. Wow. Last year for Alfie’s first birthday it really messed with my head. It should have been Ethan turning two but instead I had a rainbow baby turning one. I don’t think it will ever be something that I can get my head around though to be honest, just because of the dates. It’s all too close. Alfie is amazing and I am lucky to have him, he is my absolute world. He’s here because of Ethan not instead of him. That said it doesn’t stop me looking at Alfie and wondering if my other son would have been just as funny, just as entertaining and just as cheeky!!! It’s a hard week having Ethan’s due date and Alfie’s birthday all at the same time. I have no doubt I will face more challenges in the future and I have no idea how I will handle them but I know I will because I have to, I don’t have a choice really. I know that this week is Alfie’s birthday and like I said he is here because of Ethan not instead. That doesn’t make me stop and look at Alfie with a bit of sadness and think, it also should have been your brothers birthday. He should be turning 3 and starting to think about schools. Instead I take him flowers in the cemetery. It just doesn’t make sense. I realise this last bit probably doesn’t make sense, that said I’m sure anything I wrote does make sense to be honest ha ha!!! I just write….
Anyway, wish me luck for Alfie’s birthday. I can’t wait to spoil him but it always comes with a tear where I think of how lucky and yet unlucky I am. Tinged with sadness and wondering what if.
Happy birthday to my gorgeous precious rainbow baby. Alfie R Shepherd. You are my absolute world and words cannot describe how much you mean to me. Ethan Shepherd, what can I say, my heart shattered when I heard yours was broken. If a piece of my heart could have fixed yours I wouldn’t have hesitated. I will always wonder what if and I will always order why me. You will always be a part of me and my life. Thanking for sharing your would have been birthday and for giving me your baby brother. I’ll try and be the best Mummy ever I can to both of you, creating memories in every which way possible.
Love you always
Mummy