Monthly Archives: December 2017

Dyspraxic Mummy 

Being a Mummy is hard work isn’t it?
Amazing and rewarding of course, but still, it’s hard work. (FYI I wouldn’t change being a Mummy I love it and I love my boys)
The late nights and early mornings, disturbed sleep, the toddler tantrums, the bugs, countless nappy changes, questioning everything you do and always wondering if you’ve made the right choice…….
The thing is having dyspraxia can sometimes make my Mummy role a little more challenging at times.
I’ve so far found that since having Alfie I have had to come accross several situations that make things hard for me but for him obviously I will do it.
Take soft play type places for instance. They are great for children yes but for me……oh my gosh. All those different noises all at once. My head can’t cope. Not the volume just the fact that there is so many noises all at once. I struggle to focus and then I can’t concentrate as I cant filter all the different children and noises and things going on around me. It takes a huge amount of effort to focus sometimes. Then if you’ve gone with a friend too well, that’s me looking like an ignorant so and so because I end up looking like I am ignoring them. Throw in some background music too and well that’s just the icing on the bloody cake to be honest.
Then there’s the crafts…..oh god the crafts. Serious sensory overload problems honestly. Play dough! I cant stand the stuff and I can’t touch it either. It honestly goes through me. Everything about it. I can’t use it with Alfie at all.  I might try one day of he wants me too but for now I will leave it to my husband and nursery lol.  I can’t explain it but the texture of play dough just goes through me. I have some major problems with texture including for food and other things to just touch or use.
Cotton wool for instance. Argh. Crikey my brain is having a hissy just thinking about all this. My nerves in my fingers are seriously on edge. I couldn’t use cotton wool stuff Alfie. Never mind what the health visitor said, it’s all very well and good but I am not touching cotton wool. It sends shivers down my spine ha ha. There’s lots of foods I can’t eat because of the texture too which isn’t the best example for Alfie I know. I try sometimes but my gosh it is so hard.
All those things I struggle with I don’t want Alfie to pick up on it.
It’s hard not to though but for him he’s worth the effort to try and battle through these things I struggle with.
I’ve actually found a class I want to take him to go let him explore the use of his fine motors skills and sensory things. Focusing on these for Alfie whilst he grows up will help him if he ends up eith dyspraxia like me. I’ve researched that getting Alfie to do the things that are challenging for people like me will help him massively if he does end up like. I found out very late so any help for me was pointless by that point.
The other thing I have struggled with with being a Mummy with dyspraxia is that unknown at the beginning. Organisation is key for me to get through my day without struggling. Keys in the same place. Knowing what’s for lunch and tea. What I’m doing that day and when. I really struggle otherwise and end up stressed and then have what I call a flare up of my dyspraxia.
I guess in some ways it’s a bit like having a bad back.  It’s always there but some days are worse than others and flare ups can occur.
Alfie wasn’t a great feeder at the start and obviously having a new born and all that goes with it and the lack of organisation was very much a huge struggle for me. I sobbed and struggled and I had so so so many flare ups I needed to know what was going to happen at what time for me to be able to manage but obviously that wasn’t going to happen.
Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love being a Mummy. I try so very hard but some things are just so tough for me and are a battle but it for my little man.
It won’t be the end of the world if Alfie ends up with dyspraxia although my husband said it will be too expensive for us both to have it lol (breakages etc lol), but I would rather him not have dyspraxia just because I know how frustrating it can be. At least I know I can help him though.
Wish us luck on exploring everything
 in the world if being a Mummy with dyspraxia.
Emma xx

Dear Ethan

Dear Ethan,
It’s almost Christmas Day, just over a week away.
Everyone is getting excited and rushing around getting last minute things. I’m over here in my own little world. I just can’t get excited this year. I don’t even know if I’m ready. I wrote a few cards and can’t seem to write the rest yet.
Your little brother Alfie doesn’t know what’s going on yet but he’s excited at the excitement of it all. I love watching his little face light up about it all.
I promise every day I try really hard, I really do. I celebrate with friends and I’m doing lot’s of nice things with Alfie and your older brother William. It’s just not the same without you.
Your brothers will no doubt be spoilt for Christmas and Christmas Day will be busy watching them open all their presents.
The truth is though without you it hurts like hell.
It’s pain like no other. When I think of you my heart skips a few beats and my eyes fill up with tears. I can literally feel pain in my heart. A pain that no parent should ever experience.
It just doesn’t feel right without you. To celebrate all these things without you here in my arms.
Christmas is a time for children and family and mine is broken and incomplete.
Truth is I’m just winging it each time there’s a celebration or similar. I’ve no idea how I’m supposed to manage all these things without you. I will and I have to and I have your brother Alfie now but the truth is it’s all tinged with sadness and a heartache for you at the same time.
People just remind me of how lucky I am and I know I am lucky to have Alfie but for once I want someone to say that they can’t imagine how hard it must be for me and to tell me it’s ok to still be upset. That they understand that years later it still hurts.
I sobbed tonight on my way home from work. A song came on the radio and all I wanted to do was to hold you. Not your ashes, not a picture and not a memory but you. Smell your sweet baby smell and feel your soft skin on mine. I justcan’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts that’s your not here and how muxh I miss you.
I made your Christmas present this year. I hope you don’t mind.
I wish I could spoil you and get you real presents but I guess I will have to stick to memorial gifts for you.
I wish I could change what happened. I’d give anything to have you here with us. Nothing seems complete without you now and your always missing from everything.
Please forgive me and please know that no matter what I love you dearly with all my heart. It wasn’t supposed to be like this and I’m sorry. No matter what people say you are my son and I love you with all my heart and more. I’ll preserve your memory, I will make the most of every single moment with Alfie I promise. I’ll always try hard in everything I do.
Most of all I promise that with every birthday wish and every Christmas wish I make I make one for you.
On our third Christmas apart, I wished my usual wish for you. Please save up my Christmas wishes and save me that hug for when we meet again.
I promise I will smile on Christmas Day and I will always do my upmost to ensure I do all I can for your brother. He won’t miss out on anything and I will always make the effort for him. However inside my heart will still break and ache for my one son I can’t have. You.
Lots of love always

Christmas Countdown

As I sit here and write this I wonder if I’m ready for Christmas. I don’t mean gifts and cards I mean the day. The run up. The excitement with all your children……oh wait. One of mine is missing.
That whole in my heart. That gap in my life. The missing piece from the important moments that no one talks about.
I wonder if some have forgotten and assume that I’m ok now because well it was over 3 years now surely she must be ok by now……
Yes I help others but I have my bad days too.
My life is always before and after now. It’s not what I want it’s just how it works now. If your an angel Mum you’ll get it.
Before I had Ethan I was Christmas mad. I absolutely loved it and couldn’t wait to do decorations and lots of exciting things.
Now it’s different. I still like Christmas and yes I have Alfie and I love doing things with Alfie and making memories but my god it’s painful. It’s a pain I just can’t describe. A part of me is missing and my god it kills me. Whilst I smile and enjoy the moment and laugh and play and make memories. I can’t help but think and recall that my family is incomplete and I wonder what Ethan would be doing. Would he be teasing Alfie? Fighting and arguing? Playing together and laughing together? Who knows.  It’s only a dream for me.
Tonight we have got the Christmas tree ready to decorate tomorrow with Alfie. I’m sat here alone finishing my brew before bed while my husband and Alfie are sleeping soundly and the truth is I honestly have no idea how I’m going to cope tomorrow.
I usually sob if I’m honest and take a deep breath when putting up Ethan’s baubles. I will do it and I will smile and I will enjoy it. I’ll enjoy the memories and watching Alfie gaze at the tree. Inside though it will break my heart. I honestly can’t remember my first Christmas without Ethan. I’ve got photos of what I did but I have no recollection of what happened at all. Since then I guess I’ve focused on Alfie but it’s still new trying to cope with Christmas to be honest Christmas is all about children and so many people celebrate its hard to avoid it. Not like birthdays where you can have as much or as little fuss as you want.
Strangers ask abiut your children and do you have others and are they excites etc. They mean no harm but those questions are awful.
Then there’s the trip to see Santa…….ita magical and it’s amazing and wonderful……….yet one of my children is missing from the whole thing. When Santa asks Alfie what do you want from Christmas. I jist know I will hold my breath and make a wish to myself and think of those words from Miriah Carey’s song…….all I want for Christmas is you. Yes. Impossible I know but that’s my wish every year. For Christmas I want you Ethan. A cuddle off my baby boy. Mummy would be happy then.
So if you have a.friend or you know someone that’s lost a baby. Be kind to them in December. They might be smiling on the outside but inside might be completely different. They have probably made a huge effort to do something Christmassy or buy a card or whatever. It’s a big effort for some people so just give them some some space, be a friend, lend an ear, pop an extra x on the card for their angel and tell then you remember their baby too.
I’m going to take a deep breath and go to bed and try and be brave now for tomorrow. I’ll smile through my tears and make happy memories with Alfie and my husband.
Love and sparkles and extra glitter for Christmas.
Emma xxxxx
P.s. Santa if your reading this, please. All I really want for Christmas is my baby boy back. Just a little more time and a few more hugs that I can bottle up. It would mean so much. Also I just want my son Alfie to be happy and healthy at Christmas and always. That’s my only wish this year and my only wish every year xx