Dear Ethan

Dear Ethan,
It’s almost Christmas Day, just over a week away.
Everyone is getting excited and rushing around getting last minute things. I’m over here in my own little world. I just can’t get excited this year. I don’t even know if I’m ready. I wrote a few cards and can’t seem to write the rest yet.
Your little brother Alfie doesn’t know what’s going on yet but he’s excited at the excitement of it all. I love watching his little face light up about it all.
I promise every day I try really hard, I really do. I celebrate with friends and I’m doing lot’s of nice things with Alfie and your older brother William. It’s just not the same without you.
Your brothers will no doubt be spoilt for Christmas and Christmas Day will be busy watching them open all their presents.
The truth is though without you it hurts like hell.
It’s pain like no other. When I think of you my heart skips a few beats and my eyes fill up with tears. I can literally feel pain in my heart. A pain that no parent should ever experience.
It just doesn’t feel right without you. To celebrate all these things without you here in my arms.
Christmas is a time for children and family and mine is broken and incomplete.
Truth is I’m just winging it each time there’s a celebration or similar. I’ve no idea how I’m supposed to manage all these things without you. I will and I have to and I have your brother Alfie now but the truth is it’s all tinged with sadness and a heartache for you at the same time.
People just remind me of how lucky I am and I know I am lucky to have Alfie but for once I want someone to say that they can’t imagine how hard it must be for me and to tell me it’s ok to still be upset. That they understand that years later it still hurts.
I sobbed tonight on my way home from work. A song came on the radio and all I wanted to do was to hold you. Not your ashes, not a picture and not a memory but you. Smell your sweet baby smell and feel your soft skin on mine. I justcan’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts that’s your not here and how muxh I miss you.
I made your Christmas present this year. I hope you don’t mind.
I wish I could spoil you and get you real presents but I guess I will have to stick to memorial gifts for you.
I wish I could change what happened. I’d give anything to have you here with us. Nothing seems complete without you now and your always missing from everything.
Please forgive me and please know that no matter what I love you dearly with all my heart. It wasn’t supposed to be like this and I’m sorry. No matter what people say you are my son and I love you with all my heart and more. I’ll preserve your memory, I will make the most of every single moment with Alfie I promise. I’ll always try hard in everything I do.
Most of all I promise that with every birthday wish and every Christmas wish I make I make one for you.
On our third Christmas apart, I wished my usual wish for you. Please save up my Christmas wishes and save me that hug for when we meet again.
I promise I will smile on Christmas Day and I will always do my upmost to ensure I do all I can for your brother. He won’t miss out on anything and I will always make the effort for him. However inside my heart will still break and ache for my one son I can’t have. You.
Lots of love always
Mummy
xxxxxx

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