10 things you probably didn’t know about me……
I have a few different blogs lined up and this is one of them, I feel like I have written a lot of personal things over the last few that I have written.
So this time I figured why don’t I tell you a little more about me?
1. Despite being dyslexic, I honestly LOVE to read! I would absolutely love the library the Beast gives Belle in Beauty and the Beast! Not that I get much time to read anymore but I would love to cosy up with a brew in front of a cosy fire and blanket and read a flipping good book!!! I love reading to Alfie too which is great because at only 2 years old he is a proper bookworm ha ha! His bookshelves are full already, his treat for being good is a new book. He loves going to the library too. Some nights my husband and I have to read 3 stories at bedtime ha ha! It’s great though, I can’t wait for him to read my favourite childhood books when he is older too.
I haven’t sat and read a good book for ages so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know!!
2. I am a huge chocoholic. Like massive chocoholic!!!! I have serious problems I’m sure! I have to be really unwell to not want chocolate that’s for sure. There is always some in my house and I can’t manage a day without it. I won’t lie some days I have more than I should. It’s my guilty pleasure! I’ve never smoked and don’t drink that often so this is my guilty pleasure ha ha!!!
3. Ok some people have told me off for this………….here goes……..I never read newspapers and I don’t watch the news!!! I know a lot of people say I should to keep up with what’s happening in the world but honestly…….it’s too much. It’s always bad news and I hardly ever understand most of it. There is so much depressing stuff out there which I am aware of but by reading it and reminding myself everyday quite frankly I am so flipping sensitive that I would just be depressed and scared every day over something horrific happening on my doorstep and I don’t think I can live like that to be honest. So there I said it! My name is Emma and I don’t read the paper or watch the news. Never have!
4. I absolutely love cups of tea!!! I am tea mad! My husband can’t believe just how much I love a good brew lol!!! I never start the day on coffee, I always start with a tea. I do drink coffee – mainly at work. Tea however, oh my……can’t go wrong with a good brew! It’s ideal in so many situations! Tea and cake, afternoon tea with a cup of tea! Tea to start the day, tea when your sad, tea when your poorly, tea when your cold……it just works! Bloody love a good brew!!!
5. Despite living with all males I am really girly! I would love some girly accessorises in my house but my husband still insists on having a say in what we buy and what goes where. I am hoping he will get fed up though and leave me too it eventually!!! I love pink and anything that glitters and sparkles, I am all for high heels and dresses (although heels no longer love me!). I love ultimate girly chick flicks and afternoon tea treats with friends. I’m a traditional gift giving girly girl who loves anything girly that consists of perfume, fairy lights, flowers you name it!!! On that note, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Disney! OMG! It’s just fantastic, I mean really, what’s not to love?! I honestly wanted to be The Little Mermaid aka Ariel when I was younger! I was gutted though when I realised they weren’t real and I had to get some form of a ‘proper’ job lol!!! I am on a mission to complete my DVD / Blue-Ray’s of Disney films. I used to have them all on video (eeeek I am showing my age here lol!) but I still don’t have them all on DVD or Blue Ray yet. I blame the husband to be honest ha ha ha! I keep hinting for him to get them but he isn’t listening, we just end up with the Avengers or whatever instead. Which I do love but it’s not completing my Disney collection now is it?!
6. I am scared of the future…………I have had the ultimate heartbreak in my life yet I still worry what the future holds. I worry about losing the people I love the most. I worry about Alfie. I worry about what is around the corner. Mostly I try and think about the here and now but there is always that niggle in my mind about what is next. I know I shouldn’t and I should relax etc but it’s not that easy for me. I hate the fact that things change and it can’t always be helped and it isn’t always for the best. I’m scared of what’s to come, what’s around the corner and what might happen.
7. I always wanted a brother or sister. I grew up as an only child and I honestly have the best childhood memories. My Mum and me have some fantastic memories together from me growing up and I will cherish them forever. I am basically an only child though. I have a step brother and step sister, but they are older than me and already had long since left home when my Mum and Step Dad got together. I have a half sister on my Dad’s side, but she’s almost 21 now and I haven’t seen her since she was 18 months old. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a sibling and share secrets and family stuff with, be an Auntie and Alfie have Cousins. I wonder what it would be like to have a sibling to share family decisions, responsibility, excitement and sadness with. Don’t get me wrong though, as nice as it would have been it is what it is and cannot be changed. My childhood like I said was great and I wouldn’t change that at all. My Mum and I have an amazing friendship after so many years together just the two of us and you can’t put anything on that. It’s just circumstances in life sometimes that’s all. I guess I just wondered if I was missing out that’s all.
8. Despite the fact that I talk so so very much (it’s always been a habit lol!), I find it hard to make new friends these days. I worry about what people will think of me and wonder if I come across as too friendly and chatty sometimes. I end up just being quiet sometimes, not saying much and end up feeling shy. Hard to believe I know but it’s true lol! I’m not really sure why. I sometimes wonder if it’s my dyspraxia faults of not knowing when I am talking too loud. Or maybe it’s just my personality of not being able to tell when someone doesn’t want to chat or they’ve had enough of me?! Who knows. Anyway, if you are a potential new friend and your reading this………I’m sorry if I am too forward and loud…..I’m nice really I promise lol!!!!
9. I have suffered with anxiety. In a whole bunch of ways and for many different reasons. I have had it in many situations after having Alfie, his feeding and reflux was bloody awful when he was a baby (the unknown dairy intolerance didn’t help), he used to scream and take an hour to have 4oz. I absolutely dreaded feeding him in public because of it. I avoided feeding him in public to be honest just so people didn’t stare at me. When he wanted feeding and we were out, he quite often reduced me to tears because I couldn’t calm him down. I then thought people would be looking at me and expecting me to do better because I was Mummy. I had anxiety over having Alfie after losing Ethan, literally petrified it would happen again. I was anxious over comments I might get off people and what they would say, people making comments about me moving on or people I didn’t know asking if he was my only one. The list was endless. I am however in a much better place now. I also get very anxious about other things; going to new places, my routine getting changed at the last minute, staying over somewhere – mainly because it’s different and routine helps me manage my dyspraxia better. I am sure there is more but that’s all I can think of for now.
10. Despite the lack of money, the stress, the worry, the tears, the unknown, the sleepless nights, the SPD and most of all the risks………I would love another baby. To have a little brother or sister for Alfie would be amazing. I always wanted 2 living healthy children that I had given birth too. Sadly I don’t think this will ever happen for personal reasons. So instead I look at how blessed I am to have such a wonderful Step Son, to have been blessed with a son too precious for this world and a rainbow baby that is so incredibly precious to me words fail me. For the children I have I am truly blessed, no matter how many may or may not be physically here.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you have enjoyed it. Feel free to ask me anything and hopefully I can answer. Comment share and follow to keep up to date with my blogs. Follow me on instagram at dyspraxicdomesticatedmummy.
The life of a guilty Mum………
As I crawl into bed at night and look at my phone I realise it’s another late night.
I sigh a big sigh and lie their for a moment and wonder to myself have I done enough that day.
Did I spend enough time with Alfie? Did I talk to him enough or was I in my own world too much today? Did I teach him enough today and pay him enough attention?
I feel guilty over giving him beans on toast for tea and not some super organic home cooked food and think to myself tomorrow I will try harder. When in reality it could be another slog through the day, taking deep breaths over the last tantrum because I wouldn’t let him use scissors or I wouldn’t change the DVD that was in even though I have only just put one in. Or that I wouldn’t let him wear 4 pair of trousers that day and 3 different tops all at once. Or the fact that I didn’t guess today that he doesn’t like weetabix even though that is pretty much all he has ever eaten for breakfast…………
I was late again tonight. Late home from work. Another night that I couldn’t pick my son up from nursery. I didn’t see him before work either, I left before he woke up.
I wonder sometimes am I doing the right thing? Is it possible to have the career you want and be able to have a family too? Be the perfect Mummmy and Wife and also excel in my career?
Some days are so hard and I try and be the perfect Mum in the few days I spend with him, home cooked food, parent and toddler classes, keeping the house tidy, organising our weekends and meals for the coming week ahead, keeping everything clean, trying to pottty train Alfie and teach him things along the way.
Making sure we focus on the right things, colours, numbers, right and wrong. All this whilst trying hard to keep up with life, and planning ahead all the time. Not just suddenly realising that you haven’t sent someone a birthday card or that you haven’t replied to a message that someone sent yesterday, or maybe your husband text you about something asking if you have done that job yet that he has reminded you about 4 times already.
Suddenly you realise your two days are up and your back in work again tomorrow and then your home/Mum/Wife brain switches into work mode and you instantly remember the stuff you have to catch up on when you get to work tomorrow.
You remember about the difficult day you had when you were in work 2 days ago and wonder what has happened since. When you do get to work you just know that your expected to know exactly what has been going on all week and where everything is up too, despite the fact that you haven’t been there for two days.
The work guilt kicks in, over rides the Mum guilt for a short while,while you wonder if you are still just as good as you were when you worked full time before you had children and your life instantly changed.
I managed to get an early night last night………..the only thing thing is I had to leave the house in a mess and I ended up feeling terrible the next mornng for leaving it.
It makes me wonder what people may think. Will they think that I can’t manage to run my house, look after my family and work too?
When Alfie woke up this morning I had to just leave him too it and play on his own and watch the T.V. just so that I could sort the house out and make it look presentable and not like a bomb had hit it!!!!!
I keep thinking I should try and have some alone time soon. Have a bath, paint my nails, read a book, lunch out with a friend or even catch up with my Mum who I never seem to spend time with these days. Not just me and her anyway. The trouble is with that alone time, you (or maybe it’s just me) end up feeling guilty that you have had that alone time. I sometimes think to myself, I have come such a long way to get Alfie and become Mummy to a healthy living child, so why should I feel the need for alone time? Alfie is amazing and such a loving wonderfuly funny character. I just sometimes think it is nice to just be me and not be there for someone else. Know what I mean?
Some other things I have come accross that can make you feel guilty as a Mum (or Dad). Do you ever come accross that one person who always seem to do those awesome craft stuff or whatever off Pintrest? Basically a Pintrest Mum! (Or Dad) The ones that make you feel crap because all you can manage is some hand and foot prints on a piece of paper and at Christmas and turn them into an animal or tree for christmas cards. Even then it’s a flipping mission!
I sometimes look back on the two years I have been been blessed with Alfie and wonder if I have done everything I could have done so far. Are there more groups I should have taken him too? Should I have gone to more classes and tried harder to solicalise? Then I wonder if I might have missed out on something too. Something I would have enjoyed doing with him. The sad thing is it’s too late now and there is no more second chances. It’s good to give your child the best start in life and that is exactly what I plan to do with Alfie. I don’t want him to miss out on anything if I can help it and I don’t want to miss out myself either to be honest. Fingers crossed that class I really wanted to do wasn’t much and we aren’t missing much 🙁
Have you ever lied to your child? Told them you promise another bedtimes story, a third one to be exact…….and then you conviently forget and make an excuse and leave because you are just so drained from running around all day since 7am making trains and building things, running after them and repeating yourself over and over and persistenly asking them not to do something that they know they shouldnt do….
Then you go back to check on them later and find them all snugled up in their bed and you feel instantly guilty that you didn’t read that story, after all they are only young once and they love you with all thier heart and just wanted to spend time with you and all you wanted was peace and quiet.
Alfie is now in bed and I have done my jobs for the evening and all set for work tomorrow. I have just made a brew and I’m looking for the TV remote and I find it, next to Ethan’s bear in the couch. The angel Mummy guilt kicks in then. I remember the woman in Asda this morning that asked me how many children I had and I said 1, it juat seemed like the easiest option without explaining that wrll actually I have 3 but one died and 1 we hardly see as he lives at his Mum’s. That’s the only time I thought about Ethan today. I also think to myself that I realise I haven’t been to the cemetry properly in a while. My last few visits have all been quick because I was just to busy or I had to be somewhere or I was on my own with Alfie and couldn’t do much whilst I had him. I feel like I have neglected my angel. It’s my job to keep his memory alive and to care for his resting place and I feel like I have been doing a pretty rubbish job at that recently to be honest.
I spent one of my days off last week basically resting on the couch. Classic childrens films at the ready and toys out everywhere Alfie and I just passed the time away at home. I had woken up that morning feeling like my body had given up, I was in so much pain and could barely walk. Everything was a struggle. Yet another day of feeling like this, I felt like such a failure that day. It’s awful and it’s more frequent now. It just feels like everything is a huge huge effort and I feel awful for Alfie and my family. Like I have failed the that day because I can hardly do anything and I have stuck the TV on for my son in the hope that the TV will help me parent that day.
Then there’s the guilt of the complete lack of money after all the bills, child care and maintenence there never seems to be any money left to treat the boys. They want a new toy or to go somewehere or you want to treat them to lunch the cinema or a new book or something but you can’t. Instead your trying to make another walk or indoor picnic sound great!!!!
Multiple children, now we only have multiple children every other week but the guilt is still there when we have both. There is such an age gap that it is so hard to please both at the same time. One always seems to be bored while the other one is entertained. Then there’s the fact that because we only see the eldest one every other week the only alone time is in the evening so we rarely get to do anything that resembles quality time.
As a parent your desperate to make wonderful memories and a memorable childhood for them and your just praying that they don’t remember that it wasn’t always possible to spoil them. Your hoping that they look and back and think, you know what my parents were awesome and they tried their best. Hopefully our boys will look back and tell everyone they had an awesome childhood. Hopefully our boys will never notice the guilt we had in every day life, well not until they are parents themselves anyway…….