Dear Diary

Dear Diary
Sunday 3rd June.
Good god today was harder than I thought. I mean obviously I knew the day was coming but it still takes me by surprise on how difficult I find things.
Fours years to the day and I still remember the time of the scan. I remember how I felt. I was so nervous, my gut felt that something was wrong.
I can’t really remember what I did today. Things were difficult at home though, we were all really tired and emotional even though neither of us said anything. I think Alfie picked up on too as he got really stressed and emotional too.
I kept looking at the clock today too, thinking about what I was doing at that time four years ago. Remembering as much as possible from that day. Some of it feels like a blur and yet some of it is so clear.
Tuesday 5th June
Another day today of just being in a blur. I had to look after Alfie today though too so he had distracted me a lot too. I tried not to think to much about stuff today, I remember the date though. Tablet day. It’s the date I went in to start my labour. I remember curled up in the bed with my husband playing some games on the iPad while we waited the two hours after I had taken the tablet before I could go home. He just held me in his arms on the bed. He just held me in his safe strong arms. Everything felt OK when we were together. Like no one could hurt us. I remember I needed the toilet but I was scared to leave the room. There were other pregnant women outside my room. I was the only person who had a room. Others were in cubicles and I could hear their baby’s heart beating away on the monitors. It crushed me. When we could go home I scurried off the ward as quick as I possibly could.
Wednesday 6the June
I remember me and Ste on a cleaning frenzy. Desperately trying to forget about the next day. Our last day with our baby safe and alive inside me. No idea what else we did that day although I do remember a friend bringing some things around for us that we might need.
I sat and sobbed tonight. I full on cried. I didn’t want to go through all this again in my heart. Re living every moment. It hurts too much, and I miss you so much more. I just want to wake up and it all be a dream. I’ve lived this for four years now. I want out. I don’t like this group anymore. I didn’t ask to be here in this group. A group of grieving parents.
Alfie made Ethan a birthday card tonight. He is so proud of it and was super excited about making it. I cried whilst I watched him make it. He doesn’t understand, he just knows that Mummy had a baby before him called Ethan and he lives in the stars. He’s excited to chose his birthday cake too.
Today was a hard day.
Thursday 7th June
I feel numb. I can’t cry today. I just feel numb. My head isn’t with it to be honest today. I can’t remember what I have said or what I did. It’s like I have gone around in a daze.
I glanced at the clock. 2pm. This time four years ago I had been given the tablet to kick start my labour and the contractions etc, we had had a full English breakfast for lunch at the hospital on the labour ward and I had been sick and was sat back in bed thinking what a long journey this would be. I was strangely excited to meet our baby and yet 100% petrified that my short lived pregnancy was almost over, the baby I had longed for was soon to be here and then gone. It was all about to be over. One week before hand everything was perfect. 2pm that day I was in labour waiting to deliver my dead baby. What the hell did I do wrong to deserve this.
I saw a pregnant woman today and my heart sank. My stomach took a blow. I just wanted to cry. Pregnant women never usually bother me but today I just couldn’t look at her, as I saw how happy she seemed I felt complete jealously. I’ll be honest I just looked at her and felt jealously because I thought I bet she hasn’t experienced pain like me, I bet she is blissfully unaware of what could happen. Now I know I don’t know that but that’s how I felt.
Today I got Ethan some balloons and flowers for his birthday tomorrow and after nursery we took Alfie to get Ethan’s cake. He was so exited bless him. The shop lady who we got the balloons off asked if I wanted a message on the balloon. Her words took my breath away and I wondered if I would be able to speak without sobbing. Thankfully she asked us to write it down instead.
I stood in front of the flowers at the shop and wondered how the hell I was picking flowers for my dead sons birthday and not some obsessed character toy instead. It’s just wrong.
I sat and cuddled Ethan tonight but I still feel numb.
Friday 8th June
My eyes opened and I looked at the time. Instantly my mind cast back to 4 years ago and I remembered where I was and what I was doing. I remember I was at the hospital still and enjoying my only cuddles. My final cuddles.
I’ve been fairly quiet in myself today. I just wanted to be wrapped up in my thoughts of Ethan. Desperately trying to remember everything as I knew some memories had already slipped away.
Alfie opened Ethan’s cards and present. He loved it and started playing around with Ethan making whooshing noises and saying Ethan Superman. It was very cute.
I looked at the clock and it was 10am. Flashback to 4 years ago and we were getting ready to leave the hospital. 10.30am I stepped out of the room and I couldn’t look back, my screams and cries silent to me yet crushed my husband and our parents. The nurse said she would look after him and I believed her.
We had balloons. We had cake. We talked about you. We shared memories.
As I sat over lunch with my husband talking about you, I sobbed. I wanted to go back in time to that moment we had with you. It didn’t matter about the pain I just wanted to see you again. I’ve forgotten what you smell like, I forgot what your feet look like. I forgot that they asked if we wanted to dress you. I’ve forgotten so much. I just want to be back with you, long enough to refresh those memories and take more photos.
Now I am sat here on my own just cuddling you and being in the moment with you. Forgetting everything else and just being with you. My son, my first born. My everything.
No matter in life or death I love you so much. I will forever speak your name, forever more I will love you.
I am so sorry our time together was so short. Our story was so short, however it doesn’t make it any less epic.
Love you always
Mummy xxx

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