Daily Archives: 9 October, 2018

Waves

You’ve probably heard it before but grief really is like waves.
I mean I am 4 years along my journey now after Ethan dying.
I am in a much more different place compared to where I was. I get up and get on with my day and leave the house without having a panic attack. I can talk about him without welling up. I can say his name and think about him without breaking down.
I mean yes I get upset about him still……..birthday / anniversary and Christmas. To me these are like ‘obvious’ times that people know you will be upset.
What about that random Saturday night though last month at family movie night though? What about when Alfie said last week, don’t worry Ethan I will protect you. Or what about when William just took Ethan’s bear down for a cuddle while we sat chilling on the couch? Or what about that song that came on the radio recently?
That’s the thing with grief though, it catches you off guard. It comes in waves.
You can visit your sons grave one day and be completely ok. Then days later you are sat in your car just driving along, all alone and bam. It hits you. The tears roll down your face and you just can’t control it anymore.
For that moment the wave crashed and hit against the rock. Tears falling then you take a deep breath. Dry your eyes, remember that you did do the right thing. Your son is now safe and pain free and that no one judges you. You know that for now you will enjoy the sweet smell of your youngest, your rainbow and that one day. One day far into the future, you can smell that baby smell one more time when you hold your first born in your arms once more, but for now. He remains a memory and that’s ok, the wave calms again. Until the next time it comes crashing around the rocks once more………

R.I.P Ethan Shepherd
8.6.14
28 mins old