Monthly Archives: March 2019

Mother's Day 2019

I’ve started this Mother’s Day blog so many times and if I am honest I feel lost on what to say really.
Whilst Mother’s Day is important to me it also makes me sad. I just feel like there is so much pressure on who has the best day, who got the best gift, who had breakfast in bed, who got treated the most. Why is it that instead of celebrating Mother’s Day and just being in the moment that instead it feels more like a competition?
It’s no surprise that since I lost Ethan, I have found Mother’s Day hard. My first Mother’s Day as a Mummy when I was pregnant with Ethan, we told our parents I was pregnant, so it was all very nice and exciting. A year later I was visiting his grave instead and pregnant with our rainbow Alfie wondering if we got to keep this baby. Since then I feel like I have been caught up in what I’m meant to do, what’s expected of me. Along with social media showing us what everyone is doing and seeing these people that spend all day being spoilt, rather than enjoying it, I just end up feeling sad, like my day wasn’t good enough. Which then makes me sound ungrateful but that’s not what I mean. What I mean is social media makes us feel like we should live up to certain expectations. Social media just feels so fake, a fake view on what we should do say act, but and how to be on those special days. In truth, whatever I actually do on Mother’s Day and whatever I get I absolutely love them because it has come from a place of love. (Hopefully this came out right!)
This past twelve months has been a struggle, thanks to this illness I have. It’s taken so much away from me. As I said in my recent blog ‘who am I’ I’ve lost who I am and I honestly don’t really know what I want now when it comes to Mother’s Day. All I know is that I feel like I want to celebrate the fact that I did a flipping good job at managing to get through this year whilst being so poorly!
Being a Mum is hard at the best of times, we all have our struggles if we show it or not it’s still there.
People don’t say much about the hard parts of being a Mum. So let’s share the good, the bad, the ugly and no matter what just support each other.
I’m hoping to be having a nice relaxing hot shower today, with hot brews. I’m hoping not to be in charge of a tiny human wild child toddler aka Alfie. I’m hoping for all three meals cooked for me and for me not to do any washing up!
Being a Mum is hard. It’s hard being an angel Mum. It’s hard being a rainbow Mummy and it’s hard being a Step Mum.
So let’s embrace the fact that we did our best this past year, we got by, we stuck together, shared advise and our kids still love us.
Let’s embrace this day and enjoy, let’s not make each other feel bad on what we did or didn’t get, let’s not show off, let’s just have a good day, whatever works for us and be happy.
Much love
Emma xx

Pictures are from last year’s Mother’s Day (2018)

It's My Birthday!!!

It’s my B.I.R.T.H.D.A.Y!!!!
So today I am 34 years old. As my life has changed so much recently I have reflected a lot on my life in generally.
IMG_4014
It’s not intended to be a negative post this, or even a post to educate anyone on anything. Merely a post I felt like I wanted to write for me.
I’m not sure what I imagined when I was younger and thinking of my mid-thirties *gulp* lol
I do know this though, it isn’t what I imagined. I thought I would have a fantastic wardrobe full of amazing clothes, that I would have my shit together and know what’s what. That I would know what all the icons are on clothing labels for washing, that I would have money, go on holidays and be slim and beautiful. Basically that I would one day wake up and everything would have just clicked.
Skipping over the last comment about being or rather feeling beautiful for another blog. Let’s address some of the others.
No-one really tells you when you are younger that this kind of shit doesn’t happen lol!! Yes we get taught how to read, write add and all that other stuff. What about a life class though? Managing bills, how to organise your life, what the icons are and how to cook properly. Other than your parents of course but at school what did we actually learn that was useful for our thirties?!!! Seriously if anyone knows I would love to know ha ha!!!
My weight I have never been happy with and when I look back at when I was at my slimmest post children I still wasn’t happy and now I’m not as mobile I’ve put weight back on and to be honest I feel horrible.
20180327_180127
Money and children do not go hand in hand so yeah, enough said there ha ha!
Having been on social media in the blogging world for a while now it seems like not many of us have our shit together so to speak and we are all totally winging it!!!
Cooking, self taught really. I was dreadful when I first moved out of my Mum’s!!
We don’t go on many holidays at the moment for a few different reasons, I live my travelling life through one of my very good friends Rachel who always send back amazing pictures form the many places she travels too. Love hearing about her travels and what all these different countries are like it’s amazing. I’ll probably never be as well travelled as her but I would love to visit more places as I get older.
So let’s think about what I have achieved then at the wonderful age of 34.
20180327_101918
Education wise I have 12 GCSE’s, 3 A-levels, Distinction in Applied Science and a second class hons in Clinical Physiology. I have worked for the NHS since I was 19.
I have a wonderful husband and three amazing sons. I have lovely in-laws, an incredible Mum and Step Dad, Grandparents are amazing too. I’ve lost some friends over time but the one’s that have stuck around are amazing.
I became a befriender for SANDS and helped many people after the loss of their baby. I raised a lot of money in my son’s memory.
I have three conditions that all relate to how my brain doesn’t quite function correctly but I try and not let it stop me. I am me, I am not my FND. I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer as my memory is shocking and I have no clue on world-wide politics etc but I am intelligent and wonderful in my own way!
I might not have my dream house but I have a house that is mine. I have a great car (however this is still a sore point after the last one got stolen – if you have followed me for a while on Instagram you will know all about this!).
I am finally getting the hang of how to apply make-up well!!!
I have pets! Me! I actually have pets!
20180329_210320
Most of all?
I made it to 34. I made it to 34 and I did ok. I’m not rich, I’m not a super model. I’m not well travelled and my family and friends circle resembles that of an extremely unique, wouldn’t have put it together patchwork quilt. You know what though? I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like my patchwork quilt.
Now here’s to wondering what else I can achieve, if I can ever get my shit together and what the hell the labels are and may be even how to garden!!! I know, your jealous aren’t you ha ha!!!!
Much love and a happy birthday to me. Hopefully when you read this I will be eating cake and drinking a hot coffee!!!!
Emma

I cried.

I’ve sat and cried today. I’m not even completely sure why to be honest. I just feel so vulnerable today. I’ve got so many symptoms and I am scared of being alone today.
I’m scared of something happening whilst I am alone and I’m scared of going out and being near people who don’t understand. They don’t know why I walk with a crutch or that it’s more than just my legs that don’t work.
I’m scared of going out in case I sound stupid because I can’t speak properly, or if I drop everything because I can’t use my hands properly or if I take ages to pick something up because I can’t process what’s in front of me.
My husband has seen me at my worst and he gets it. He knows. He’s fed me, dressed me, washed me. He gets it.
I’m scared of what’s to come in my life and how much of me I can get back. I don’t know how things are going to pan out and what my average battery level might be. I’ve lost so much but hopefully I’ll gain much more.
I don’t want to be negative about it all. I’m really trying to get a hold of things. The more I understand my condition the better equipped I can be on how to deal with it.
I do have my better days, where I am more focused and I feel like I know how to manage it. How to control it if you like.
I just wish I could feel as strong as what people tell me I am. I’m dealing with it yes but am I strong? I’ve no idea.
All I know is I don’t have a choice really.
I just wish I could feel strong in facing people when I’m at my worst with my condition. I wish I could feel confident when going out. Confident in me, my condition and confidence in what or who I might face.
I don’t know what’s to come. However I do know this.
It’s ok to sit and cry, life with FND is not for the faint hearted that’s for sure, however I also know that the next day I will pick myself up and if all I can do that day is feed myself and entertain myself and my tiny human toddler that is Alfie then I will give myself a bloody good pat on the back for a job well done. xxx

Who am I?

Well I’m Emma. What does that mean though?
I am a wife, a daughter, grand-daughter, neice, daughter-in-law, friend, cousin, step daughter, step sister. I am a step mum, an angel Mummy and a rainbow Mummy. I’m a cook, a cleaner, a teacher (so to speak) and a live in first aid person.
I was a befriender to those who’ve lost a baby. I was a friend to some people that I have now lost and some I have found I am loosing. I was a collegue to some I no longer see.

I am and have been a lot of things.
Does anyone find though that along the way and with some major life changes that we sometimes forget who we are? If you haven’t felt like this before then I guess this might seem extreme to you.
The recent trend of the #tenyearchallenge got me thinking after looking back at old photos when doing this challenge myself.

I was never certain on what job I wanted or what style I thought suited me or where I wanted to live or the type of life I wanted to lead when I was younger. I knew I wanted to get married and have my own family and other than that I wasn’t sure on anything else. I knew what I liked and disliked, knew what I enjoyed doing and things like that.
After some major life changes that have been out of my control I will be honest I kind of feel like I have lost my way.

I’m not sure what is coming next in life or where I am going now. I do know this though, at almost 34 years old I am finally starting to have a bit more undertsanding of what I want out of the rest of my life, I know what makes me happy.
I had a very bizzare conversation with William recently about gammon. Please don’t think I have gone mad!!!! Hear me out, I have always had both egg and pineapple with gammon and there’s always a choice of one or the other or both when you order it at a restraunt. The thing is I will be honest, I was never sure which I preferred. I love eggs and I love pineapple but which do I prefer with gammon? Until recently I didn’t know. I now know I prefer pineapple with gammon.
The point I am trying to make is that, not just about food but other areas of my life, it just feels that now after so much has happened to me I now think I am finally getting to grips on what or who or where makes me happy. My life changing experiences mean it has changed me as a person and because of that I feel like I lost me too. However I think this year I may finally work out who I am.
I will share with you what I know. I like nights in rather than nights out. I prefer nights out to be a meal and a quiet drink. I love tea coffee and hot chocolate, I love movies and Netflix. I am a chocloate addict and find dieting hard work. I prefer pineapple on my gammon. My sense of style is jeans and a top or leggings and a tunic lol. I love to dress up but rarely get chance. I am not a confident person and I do talk to much. I get nervous making new friends. I worry about what other people think and I get stressed to easily. I love wearing make up and feel vulnerable without it. I love baths as much as I love a shower.
How sure of yourself are you? Do you know who you are?
I’d love to know what you are sure about of yourself xx

Snakes for pets!

If you follow me on instagram you will already know what type of pets I have. If you don’t you may have guessed from the title of this blog lol!
Please note there are pictures at the end of this blog.
I’m the odd person that doesn’t have normal animals for pets lol!
Let me tell you why and how we’ve ended up with snakes for pets!
It started a few years ago when Alfie was a baby.
Ste always wanted a dog, he’s grown up around them so naturally he wanted them. Unfortunately I’m allergic to them though and I told Ste that he should start getting up extra early then to prove he could for if we got one. Anyway, we didn’t get one. Bonus I won!
Nope. After much discussing about cats, rabbits, hamsters and all the other traditional pets we got a pet Python instead! I know I don’t get it either but the next best thing for a pet was a snake! It simply ticked all the boxes.  So we picked up Fluffy. A yellow belly spinner Royal Python (known as a Ball Python in America because of their tendency to coil up into a ball for any given reason).
It wasn’t long before I was hooked! He was so cool and interesting. We loved watching him and he was so tame as well. Really chilled and beautiful colours. So naturally when he outgrew his first vivarium we got him a bigger one and decided to get another snake to fill his old one!
Along came Bellatrix. A red female hognose. Now these snakes are generally small snakes and grow to around 2ft. Ours is massive at around 3 to 4 foot long lol, some friends of ours always comment on how big she is ha ha.
We did get a few more in time. Nagini who is a Florida King snake, who’s black with almost yellowy green markings.
Then came Fang who is a female lesser pastal Royal Python.
I thought that was it but then my husband ‘rescued’ a female Jungle Jaguar Carpet Python – Jungle Jaguar Carpet Pythons are actually a cross bread of two Australian Pythons – Jungle and Coastal. She is yellow with black markings. We named her Narcissa. She’s an angry bugger and Ste is the only one that has handled her, she still attacks him as she wasn’t looked after properly previously, plus being young they tend to be a bit more defensive. She is getting much better though.  The defensive nature will subside as she grows larger and isn’t as threatened, plus regular handling will help. She was kept in a plastic tub not much bigger than a shoe box and now she’s in a 4ft viv…
We ended up buying matching vivs which meant we had another spare to fill… So we got a Leopard Gecko. It’s very different having a Gecko. Live food for one (which I am not keen on!) and they’re a lot more difficult to hold, being both delicate and very quick.
One thing I didn’t want when we first got a snake was the mice in the freezer. However now I am used to it and we have a drawer now just for them. At the end of the day they are just frozen meat.
We don’t mix any of them. They each have their own viv set up specially for the heat and humidity they need.
They eat dead mice or rats, it depends on their size as to what they eat. Our biggest is Fluffy at 4ft the first we bought. He is fussy and doesn’t like rats so he eats mice which isn’t enough for him so we have to give him a couple a week, but that’s what he likes lol. Royal pythons have a reputation of being fussy eaters, he went over 7 months without eating at one point. We watched his weight, he barely lost any and remained as active as Royal Pythons are, so we just had to wait and keep offering him food every other week. Eventually he started eating again and has been fairly consistent since.
Surprisingly they all have their own personalities! I know, I know, it sounds silly but they do…
Fluffy is scared of everything and everyone. He sometimes fasts.
Bellatrix is now a lazy sod and sleeps all the time! Though she does like a stretch every now and then digging her way through her sawdust (not actual sawdust it’s a special snake substrate).
Nagini hates loud noises. Is constantly on the move and pops up to say hello every time you come into the room.
Fang is very chilled and inquisitive. She’s the same as Fluffy, a Royal Python, but unlike Fluffy has never missed a meal.
Narcissa is well.. an angry b**** lol. She likes climbing in branches and coils around them like  Kaa (the snake from Jungle Book). She’s the only one of our snakes that likes to hang out at the top of her viv, the rest all stay put on solid ground.
Our gecko, Norbert is very scared and skittish and because we don’t want to hurt him we don’t get him out as much as the snakes. Gecko’s are fragile and he’s very fast lol. As he gets bigger we will get him out more. He’s also quite inquisitive and spies on you walking around the room.
We do have some normal pets though. We also have fish ha ha! It’s about the most normal thing we have pet wise lol. We have a group of Guppies, Neon Tetras, various Shrimp, assassin snails and more recently two female Betta’s.
People have a lot of negative things to say about snakes – dirty, aggressive, difficult, slimy, dangerous etc. Fact is we have been taught to fear them (babies and young children aren’t scared of them) – it’s a learned behaviour right from the snake in the bible trying to give Eve an apple, countless documentaries showing them attacking food and only showing the dangerous kinds.  Below are what we’ve found after 3 years having our little zoo.
They’re very clean – their urine is solid, so easy to spot and clean, they only need to poo once a every other week, sometimes once a month.. it doesn’t smell (except for Bellatrix) and again easy to clean. They won’t go near their own waste but will move away from the area until it’s cleaned. The vivs are cleaned monthly but spot cleans done when needed.
They are not slimy! They have different textures the Pythons and the King snake are all silky smooth, Bella our Hognose is rough. They only odd thing is because they’re cold blooded they are very cold. When you think they’re in a hot viv all day with a heat range between 23c to 33c it’s strange they are so cold to the touch.
In terms of danger, these snakes are a lot less harmful than a dog, a playing dog can give a nasty nip which hurts more than snake bite and draws more blood. A scared dog much worse. An aggressive dog could kill, these snakes can’t. Even a cat can give a nasty scratch or bite when it’s had enough. Snakes only react out of fear or when they mistake your hand for food, they’re not out to get you. Like any pet treat them well and they’ll play nice – also make sure you wash your hands after handling mice/rats.
Ste’s been bitten a couple of times, nothing ever serious! It doesn’t hurt it’s more of a shock and then a oh it got me! Ste likens a bite to pricking yourself with the corner of a fresh piece of paper. Only two of ours have bitten him – the King snake, which thought Ste was food (he was being fed at the time) and Narcissa who’s classed as a intermittent experience required snake because they are snappy and defensive when young but mellow out loads when adults. Downside is when they are adults they’re a big snake so remain intermediate – 6ft to 13ft is a lot of snake to handle.
The most taxing thing about looking after snakes is giving them fresh water. Yes they need heat, one side of the viv has to be warmer than the other (a hot side and a cool side), but once you’ve got a thermostat and set it up it’s actually very easy. We used to use heat bulbs but recently moved to heat mats – to give the snakes more room (all bulbs must have a protective guard to stop the snakes burning themselves which take up loads of room) and to save on the electricity bills.
They truly are fascinating and rewarding pets, no they are not fluffy but they do like to snuggle in (even if it’s just to steal some heat). They can be cute – Nagini our King snake pops his head up and presses it to the glass every time we enter the room and watches us like a meerkat. Fluffy and Fang our Royal Pythons have cute little faces and puppy dog eyes.
If you consider getting a snake, research is key! They can live to a very good age, so be prepared for a long term pet. All of ours will live longer than 10 yrs and the Royals over 30 yrs possibly to 50! We can’t think of better companions.
Plus how cool is it to say.. yeah I’ve got 5 snakes..
Pictures of pets below……
Our fish are named in groups.
Slytherin
Hufflepuff
Ravenclaw
Griffindor

Our gecko Norbert…..

Fluffy…..

Bellatrix….

Narcissa…..

Nagini……

Fang……