I cried.

I’ve sat and cried today. I’m not even completely sure why to be honest. I just feel so vulnerable today. I’ve got so many symptoms and I am scared of being alone today.
I’m scared of something happening whilst I am alone and I’m scared of going out and being near people who don’t understand. They don’t know why I walk with a crutch or that it’s more than just my legs that don’t work.
I’m scared of going out in case I sound stupid because I can’t speak properly, or if I drop everything because I can’t use my hands properly or if I take ages to pick something up because I can’t process what’s in front of me.
My husband has seen me at my worst and he gets it. He knows. He’s fed me, dressed me, washed me. He gets it.
I’m scared of what’s to come in my life and how much of me I can get back. I don’t know how things are going to pan out and what my average battery level might be. I’ve lost so much but hopefully I’ll gain much more.
I don’t want to be negative about it all. I’m really trying to get a hold of things. The more I understand my condition the better equipped I can be on how to deal with it.
I do have my better days, where I am more focused and I feel like I know how to manage it. How to control it if you like.
I just wish I could feel as strong as what people tell me I am. I’m dealing with it yes but am I strong? I’ve no idea.
All I know is I don’t have a choice really.
I just wish I could feel strong in facing people when I’m at my worst with my condition. I wish I could feel confident when going out. Confident in me, my condition and confidence in what or who I might face.
I don’t know what’s to come. However I do know this.
It’s ok to sit and cry, life with FND is not for the faint hearted that’s for sure, however I also know that the next day I will pick myself up and if all I can do that day is feed myself and entertain myself and my tiny human toddler that is Alfie then I will give myself a bloody good pat on the back for a job well done. xxx

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