Daily Archives: 23 October, 2019

I wonder what it’s like…..Who would I be if….

When I found out I was dyslexic and dyspraxic I was in my early 20’s. So about  ten years ago now. Happy anniversary to me……

I certainly felt like it explained a lot that’s for sure, I always felt like struggled that bit more than everyone else.

For as far back as I can remember I have always thought of myself as clumsy, poor balance and absolutely no hand eye co-ordination.

I’ve always felt like I have struggled through life a little bit more than everyone else.

Trying that bit harder to remember things, to read, to follow instructions or even play sport. 

I’ve always had to work at 150% rather than 100%.

I mean I am used to it but it doesn’t mean I like it.

I look around sometimes and I just wonder what it’s like to be someone else for a while, someone who doesn’t struggle to follow words on a page due to dyslexia. Someone who doesn’t have dyspraxia and walk into doorways or have to have cheap wine glasses because of being so clumsy. 

I want to remember what it’s like for my muscles not to ache or not to wake up in extreme pain. 

Did you know that you get muscle ache with dyspraxia too? Yup. So you see I feel like I have never experienced what it’s like to wake up feeling healthy. Even before getting FND. 

I would love to wake up one day and get to experience what it’s like not to have any of these struggles. 

To actually remember things, to follow instructions and to do list, to not procrastinate because my to do list is over whelming and confusing. I want to know what it’s like to not have chronic fatigue or pain. I want to know what’s it’s like to just breeze through the day send give everything just 100% for a change.

Did you know I have suffered with pain throughout my body since I was 12 years old. Yes 12 years old. Back pain and leg pain.

The dyspraxia side of me growing up meant that standing for a long time was exhausting on my muscles. My muscles just aches and I found myself fidgeting a lot and wanting to sit down. I’m still the same now, just throw in some FND as well and you have a broken Emma.

The dyslexia part of me struggles with reading to a small extent, following the sentence and spelling too, sometimes the words look really funny on the page. 

Now I have another condition that’s related to my brain. Now while I make the most of things, I try as hard as I can, I work around my problem areas and find solutions to help myself……..

The truth is it’s exhausting and I would love to know what it’s like to go through life without having these struggles.

Just one day to wake up and not have FND, dyslexia or dyspraxia. One day without every daily task I try and over come. One day without struggling with memory, reading, writing, clumsiness, chronic pain and chronic FND and everything else I have to battle every day. 

Don’t you ever wish what it was like to live without something? 

I feel like these conditions are that much of a huge part of me now I sometimes wonder who I would be without these conditions? I mean I try not to let them define me but the truth is I wonder who I would be without them now as they’ve been such a big part of me for so long.

Maybe I would be boring……