Monthly Archives: May 2020

Reflection. The build up. The heartbreak.

It’s been 6 years now and I still remember those feelings you get surrounding the day your baby dies.

It’s never usually about the day for me these days. It’s the build up.

Remembering those last few innocent weeks before your world came crashing down around you. Remembering a time where you were blissfully unaware that not everyone went into hospital and came out happy with a lovely baby to hold.

Did you know some people come out with a box instead?

I do. The only thing is, is that I knew I was coming home with a box instead of a baby. I had a few days to process that my baby in my belly was going to die in a few days time. I knew I was coming out of that hospital with a box.

I didn’t always know though and that’s what hurts.

I think if you speak to other parents of angel babies they will most likely tell you the same. It’s the build up that’s worse.

I often wonder if it’s a self preservation you know.

My son dying was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me and the feelings surrounding that are completely indescribable. If I told you it felt like your heart was ripped from your chest, it still isn’t equivalent to what a parent whose baby died in their arms went through.

They say that your brain shields you from traumatic experiences in your life to protect you.

It’s probably why there are still things I don’t remember from the week surrounding the day I had Ethan.

However because it was one of the most traumatic experience of my life, each year sometimes some of those memoires come flooding back.

How can I explain this……

Ok, imagine you are driving along the motorway and as you drive along, you can see in the distance that you are going to crash. You can’t stop it, but you know it will hurt. That fight or flight kicks in, your heart races, you start sweating, maybe you start crying. You imagine the pain and what it’s like. You feel everything. Then it gets harder to breathe and panic sets in as the crash approachs, you keep getting nearer. You are getting more and more upset, the pain you are going to feel you can feel in apprehension, the fear, the loss of control. You can’t stop it from happening. Nothing you do will help this situation.

You take a deep breath. You whisper I love you. Close your eyes and brace yourself. Head swirling and all consumed in thoughts.

Hang on……what happened. Where’s the crash? It’s gone. It’s 6 months later. You know no idea how you got there. Can’t remember much. Over time things start coming back to you, memories and vague recollections.

It’s 6 years down the line now, almost to the day. Every time you drive down that motorway at that time of year, as you get closer to where it happened, those feelings you got that day repeat themselves over and over again.

That’s what it feels like at this time of year. I’m heading down the motorway waiting for it to happen. Those feelings I felt that year are more than a memory, I feel them.

It’s just the build though. On the day I shall remember him and be proud that I was the one that got to be his Mummy. I am one of the few people that got to meet him and hold him. I’m one of the lucky ones. I met an angel. I kissed an angel. I held an angel and I love an angel. I get to call him my son.

Meal Plan – 6

Hey there, sorry it’s been a while. 

I don’t know about you but I just can’t seem to get into a decent routine at the moment. I’ve no idea what week of lockdown we are on now either! However I do know that I have a weekly meal plan for you and this was what we had this week.

Would love to know what meals you have has this week and which one you would like from my plan. I also have a surprise for you at the end of my blog so keep reading! 

Monday

Breakfast was a usual favourite of packed eggs on toast, followed by fruit for lunch and leftover chicken from our roast the day before served with homemade chips and veg.


Tuesday 

Another favourite of mine for breakfast, pancakes! If you have seen my breakfast favourites go check them out. You can find it under the Emma’s Bites section, you just might have to scroll back a bit. Lunch was the same as yesterday and then for dinner we had something it different. Homemade sausage rolls! Whilst we don’t eat out a great deal I do miss the odd thing, so using some of Linda McCartneys veggie sausages and a pac of puff pastry, voila. Sausage rolls! Tell me what are you missing food wise at the moment?


Wednesday 

Today went to pot a bit. I was expecting a food delivery which didn’t come until evening, and the meal I had planned for today was on the shop! Argh! Anyway, I pulled it back and made something so easy and tasty that even my toddler enjoyed it! Wow! I started the day with………rice pudding for breakfast! I know I know. However, it’s like having porridge! I had to with fruit and a dollop if chocolate spread and it was delicious! Lunch was thrown together with whatever I could manage to find which to be honest wasn’t much! Now for dinner…….it’s not life changing lol but I made pizza from the only bits I had in. Puff pastry, cheese, tomato purée, ham ( yes I looked for pineapple and no I didn’t find any in the house! ) and seasoning. That’s it! 


Tell me what lockdown meal have you had that was all you had in?

Thursday 

Today was nothing exciting I am afraid. Left over rice pudding ( which by the way I got the recipe from Slimming Eats ), fruit for lunch and tea was leftover curry from the freezer served with rice that took minutes to cook. 

Friday

One thing I do love about cooking is making fakeaway nights! All my inspiration for these comes from @becs.bites over on Instagram, her page is amazing if you don’t already follow. So I started the day by having a breakfast hash.then I will be straight with you, I have absolutely no idea what I had for lunch or if I ate it lol 😆however I do know was interesting,I am usually always lacking in ideas for lunch. Tea however was a Greek fakeaway night! Loved doing this for something a bit different. 

Saturday 

Back to the poached eggs on toast for breakfast, leftover Greek food for lunch followed by a Chinese fakeaway! I must admit this is one of the ones that takes me the longest but we all enjoy it and there are so many dishes I can make on plan with slimming world.


Sunday 

I had oat muffins for breakfast which basically makes me fee, like I’m having cake for breakfast and what’s not to love about that! Followed by leftover Chinese for lunch and a good ole favourite of sausage, mash and veg for tea. 

Which rounds up the week! 

I’ve got more lovely meals to enjoy next week. I bloody love food can you tell lol 😂.

Oh I almost forgot! My surprise! 

As of today if you sign up and follow my blog, I will send you my newly designed and created meal plans. I have a set meal plan list for you, a meal plan lost where you can pick and choose from meals you know you want to have that week, shopping list, forward thinking sheet where you Han check your cupboard and freezer and help you save money by starting from there to meal plan (also comes with a what to prep section) and finally a none meal plan list which is a todays jobs list. This has various sections to help you plan each day and get through each day as productively as possible without (hopefully) forgetting something!

Have a good week.  

Much love 

Emma