Reflection. The build up. The heartbreak.

It’s been 6 years now and I still remember those feelings you get surrounding the day your baby dies.

It’s never usually about the day for me these days. It’s the build up.

Remembering those last few innocent weeks before your world came crashing down around you. Remembering a time where you were blissfully unaware that not everyone went into hospital and came out happy with a lovely baby to hold.

Did you know some people come out with a box instead?

I do. The only thing is, is that I knew I was coming home with a box instead of a baby. I had a few days to process that my baby in my belly was going to die in a few days time. I knew I was coming out of that hospital with a box.

I didn’t always know though and that’s what hurts.

I think if you speak to other parents of angel babies they will most likely tell you the same. It’s the build up that’s worse.

I often wonder if it’s a self preservation you know.

My son dying was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me and the feelings surrounding that are completely indescribable. If I told you it felt like your heart was ripped from your chest, it still isn’t equivalent to what a parent whose baby died in their arms went through.

They say that your brain shields you from traumatic experiences in your life to protect you.

It’s probably why there are still things I don’t remember from the week surrounding the day I had Ethan.

However because it was one of the most traumatic experience of my life, each year sometimes some of those memoires come flooding back.

How can I explain this……

Ok, imagine you are driving along the motorway and as you drive along, you can see in the distance that you are going to crash. You can’t stop it, but you know it will hurt. That fight or flight kicks in, your heart races, you start sweating, maybe you start crying. You imagine the pain and what it’s like. You feel everything. Then it gets harder to breathe and panic sets in as the crash approachs, you keep getting nearer. You are getting more and more upset, the pain you are going to feel you can feel in apprehension, the fear, the loss of control. You can’t stop it from happening. Nothing you do will help this situation.

You take a deep breath. You whisper I love you. Close your eyes and brace yourself. Head swirling and all consumed in thoughts.

Hang on……what happened. Where’s the crash? It’s gone. It’s 6 months later. You know no idea how you got there. Can’t remember much. Over time things start coming back to you, memories and vague recollections.

It’s 6 years down the line now, almost to the day. Every time you drive down that motorway at that time of year, as you get closer to where it happened, those feelings you got that day repeat themselves over and over again.

That’s what it feels like at this time of year. I’m heading down the motorway waiting for it to happen. Those feelings I felt that year are more than a memory, I feel them.

It’s just the build though. On the day I shall remember him and be proud that I was the one that got to be his Mummy. I am one of the few people that got to meet him and hold him. I’m one of the lucky ones. I met an angel. I kissed an angel. I held an angel and I love an angel. I get to call him my son.

2 thoughts on “Reflection. The build up. The heartbreak.

  1. kderbyshire

    Sending you so much love and strength right now. The pain may never leave, especially at key times, but I hope you find strength right now to get through it 💜

    Reply

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