The life of a guilty Mum………
As I crawl into bed at night and look at my phone I realise it’s another late night.
I sigh a big sigh and lie their for a moment and wonder to myself have I done enough that day.
Did I spend enough time with Alfie? Did I talk to him enough or was I in my own world too much today? Did I teach him enough today and pay him enough attention?
I feel guilty over giving him beans on toast for tea and not some super organic home cooked food and think to myself tomorrow I will try harder. When in reality it could be another slog through the day, taking deep breaths over the last tantrum because I wouldn’t let him use scissors or I wouldn’t change the DVD that was in even though I have only just put one in. Or that I wouldn’t let him wear 4 pair of trousers that day and 3 different tops all at once. Or the fact that I didn’t guess today that he doesn’t like weetabix even though that is pretty much all he has ever eaten for breakfast…………
I was late again tonight. Late home from work. Another night that I couldn’t pick my son up from nursery. I didn’t see him before work either, I left before he woke up.
I wonder sometimes am I doing the right thing? Is it possible to have the career you want and be able to have a family too? Be the perfect Mummmy and Wife and also excel in my career?
Some days are so hard and I try and be the perfect Mum in the few days I spend with him, home cooked food, parent and toddler classes, keeping the house tidy, organising our weekends and meals for the coming week ahead, keeping everything clean, trying to pottty train Alfie and teach him things along the way.
Making sure we focus on the right things, colours, numbers, right and wrong. All this whilst trying hard to keep up with life, and planning ahead all the time. Not just suddenly realising that you haven’t sent someone a birthday card or that you haven’t replied to a message that someone sent yesterday, or maybe your husband text you about something asking if you have done that job yet that he has reminded you about 4 times already.
Suddenly you realise your two days are up and your back in work again tomorrow and then your home/Mum/Wife brain switches into work mode and you instantly remember the stuff you have to catch up on when you get to work tomorrow.
You remember about the difficult day you had when you were in work 2 days ago and wonder what has happened since. When you do get to work you just know that your expected to know exactly what has been going on all week and where everything is up too, despite the fact that you haven’t been there for two days.
The work guilt kicks in, over rides the Mum guilt for a short while,while you wonder if you are still just as good as you were when you worked full time before you had children and your life instantly changed.
I managed to get an early night last night………..the only thing thing is I had to leave the house in a mess and I ended up feeling terrible the next mornng for leaving it.
It makes me wonder what people may think. Will they think that I can’t manage to run my house, look after my family and work too?
When Alfie woke up this morning I had to just leave him too it and play on his own and watch the T.V. just so that I could sort the house out and make it look presentable and not like a bomb had hit it!!!!!
I keep thinking I should try and have some alone time soon. Have a bath, paint my nails, read a book, lunch out with a friend or even catch up with my Mum who I never seem to spend time with these days. Not just me and her anyway. The trouble is with that alone time, you (or maybe it’s just me) end up feeling guilty that you have had that alone time. I sometimes think to myself, I have come such a long way to get Alfie and become Mummy to a healthy living child, so why should I feel the need for alone time? Alfie is amazing and such a loving wonderfuly funny character. I just sometimes think it is nice to just be me and not be there for someone else. Know what I mean?
Some other things I have come accross that can make you feel guilty as a Mum (or Dad). Do you ever come accross that one person who always seem to do those awesome craft stuff or whatever off Pintrest? Basically a Pintrest Mum! (Or Dad) The ones that make you feel crap because all you can manage is some hand and foot prints on a piece of paper and at Christmas and turn them into an animal or tree for christmas cards. Even then it’s a flipping mission!
I sometimes look back on the two years I have been been blessed with Alfie and wonder if I have done everything I could have done so far. Are there more groups I should have taken him too? Should I have gone to more classes and tried harder to solicalise? Then I wonder if I might have missed out on something too. Something I would have enjoyed doing with him. The sad thing is it’s too late now and there is no more second chances. It’s good to give your child the best start in life and that is exactly what I plan to do with Alfie. I don’t want him to miss out on anything if I can help it and I don’t want to miss out myself either to be honest. Fingers crossed that class I really wanted to do wasn’t much and we aren’t missing much 🙁
Have you ever lied to your child? Told them you promise another bedtimes story, a third one to be exact…….and then you conviently forget and make an excuse and leave because you are just so drained from running around all day since 7am making trains and building things, running after them and repeating yourself over and over and persistenly asking them not to do something that they know they shouldnt do….
Then you go back to check on them later and find them all snugled up in their bed and you feel instantly guilty that you didn’t read that story, after all they are only young once and they love you with all thier heart and just wanted to spend time with you and all you wanted was peace and quiet.
Alfie is now in bed and I have done my jobs for the evening and all set for work tomorrow. I have just made a brew and I’m looking for the TV remote and I find it, next to Ethan’s bear in the couch. The angel Mummy guilt kicks in then. I remember the woman in Asda this morning that asked me how many children I had and I said 1, it juat seemed like the easiest option without explaining that wrll actually I have 3 but one died and 1 we hardly see as he lives at his Mum’s. That’s the only time I thought about Ethan today. I also think to myself that I realise I haven’t been to the cemetry properly in a while. My last few visits have all been quick because I was just to busy or I had to be somewhere or I was on my own with Alfie and couldn’t do much whilst I had him. I feel like I have neglected my angel. It’s my job to keep his memory alive and to care for his resting place and I feel like I have been doing a pretty rubbish job at that recently to be honest.
I spent one of my days off last week basically resting on the couch. Classic childrens films at the ready and toys out everywhere Alfie and I just passed the time away at home. I had woken up that morning feeling like my body had given up, I was in so much pain and could barely walk. Everything was a struggle. Yet another day of feeling like this, I felt like such a failure that day. It’s awful and it’s more frequent now. It just feels like everything is a huge huge effort and I feel awful for Alfie and my family. Like I have failed the that day because I can hardly do anything and I have stuck the TV on for my son in the hope that the TV will help me parent that day.
Then there’s the guilt of the complete lack of money after all the bills, child care and maintenence there never seems to be any money left to treat the boys. They want a new toy or to go somewehere or you want to treat them to lunch the cinema or a new book or something but you can’t. Instead your trying to make another walk or indoor picnic sound great!!!!
Multiple children, now we only have multiple children every other week but the guilt is still there when we have both. There is such an age gap that it is so hard to please both at the same time. One always seems to be bored while the other one is entertained. Then there’s the fact that because we only see the eldest one every other week the only alone time is in the evening so we rarely get to do anything that resembles quality time.
As a parent your desperate to make wonderful memories and a memorable childhood for them and your just praying that they don’t remember that it wasn’t always possible to spoil them. Your hoping that they look and back and think, you know what my parents were awesome and they tried their best. Hopefully our boys will look back and tell everyone they had an awesome childhood. Hopefully our boys will never notice the guilt we had in every day life, well not until they are parents themselves anyway…….
The life of a guilty Mum………