Christmas Countdown

As I sit here and write this I wonder if I’m ready for Christmas. I don’t mean gifts and cards I mean the day. The run up. The excitement with all your children……oh wait. One of mine is missing.
That whole in my heart. That gap in my life. The missing piece from the important moments that no one talks about.
I wonder if some have forgotten and assume that I’m ok now because well it was over 3 years now surely she must be ok by now……
Yes I help others but I have my bad days too.
My life is always before and after now. It’s not what I want it’s just how it works now. If your an angel Mum you’ll get it.
Before I had Ethan I was Christmas mad. I absolutely loved it and couldn’t wait to do decorations and lots of exciting things.
Now it’s different. I still like Christmas and yes I have Alfie and I love doing things with Alfie and making memories but my god it’s painful. It’s a pain I just can’t describe. A part of me is missing and my god it kills me. Whilst I smile and enjoy the moment and laugh and play and make memories. I can’t help but think and recall that my family is incomplete and I wonder what Ethan would be doing. Would he be teasing Alfie? Fighting and arguing? Playing together and laughing together? Who knows.  It’s only a dream for me.
Tonight we have got the Christmas tree ready to decorate tomorrow with Alfie. I’m sat here alone finishing my brew before bed while my husband and Alfie are sleeping soundly and the truth is I honestly have no idea how I’m going to cope tomorrow.
I usually sob if I’m honest and take a deep breath when putting up Ethan’s baubles. I will do it and I will smile and I will enjoy it. I’ll enjoy the memories and watching Alfie gaze at the tree. Inside though it will break my heart. I honestly can’t remember my first Christmas without Ethan. I’ve got photos of what I did but I have no recollection of what happened at all. Since then I guess I’ve focused on Alfie but it’s still new trying to cope with Christmas to be honest Christmas is all about children and so many people celebrate its hard to avoid it. Not like birthdays where you can have as much or as little fuss as you want.
Strangers ask abiut your children and do you have others and are they excites etc. They mean no harm but those questions are awful.
Then there’s the trip to see Santa…….ita magical and it’s amazing and wonderful……….yet one of my children is missing from the whole thing. When Santa asks Alfie what do you want from Christmas. I jist know I will hold my breath and make a wish to myself and think of those words from Miriah Carey’s song…….all I want for Christmas is you. Yes. Impossible I know but that’s my wish every year. For Christmas I want you Ethan. A cuddle off my baby boy. Mummy would be happy then.
So if you have a.friend or you know someone that’s lost a baby. Be kind to them in December. They might be smiling on the outside but inside might be completely different. They have probably made a huge effort to do something Christmassy or buy a card or whatever. It’s a big effort for some people so just give them some some space, be a friend, lend an ear, pop an extra x on the card for their angel and tell then you remember their baby too.
I’m going to take a deep breath and go to bed and try and be brave now for tomorrow. I’ll smile through my tears and make happy memories with Alfie and my husband.
Love and sparkles and extra glitter for Christmas.
Emma xxxxx
P.s. Santa if your reading this, please. All I really want for Christmas is my baby boy back. Just a little more time and a few more hugs that I can bottle up. It would mean so much. Also I just want my son Alfie to be happy and healthy at Christmas and always. That’s my only wish this year and my only wish every year xx

Categorised as Baby loss

By Admin

I am Mrs Shep aka Emma. Mum of boys. I suffer for FND and I also have dyslexia and dyspraxia. I chat about everything from baby loss and (sen) parenting to general life stuff. I even through in some meal ideas and recipes sometimes too!


  1. I’ve been following your story for some time Em you are the most amazing bravest person I know. Happy Christmas sweetie xxx

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