Alfie went to my Mum’s for the day recently and Ste was playing on the PlayStation due to a rare afternoon of peace.
The thing is I was really lonely and bored. I had no idea what to do with myself.
It didn’t help that I wasn’t feeling well and I’ve been completely run down with a cold. I swear it’s attacking every muscle in my head and neck.
It got me thinking though.
What am I doing? I mean part of the reason why I’m constantly trying to find projects to do like my window displays is because I feel lost.
I don’t want to just sit at home and watch tv and rest because I’m disabled now. I feel like I’m wasting my life away like that and I want my life to mean something.
That’s why I had the career I did. I wanted to help people and feel like I was making a difference to people.
The only difference I make now is to Alfie and I don’t even feel like I’m doing that much of a great job with him sometimes.
I do my best yeah but at one point my best was better and that’s a hard pill to swallow.
We’ve not spoken about it properly yet and we haven’t talked about it online but Alfie has a few difficulties we are getting investigated. So now my FND is diagnosed and under control (ha ha ha I’m hilarious!!!!) I’ve gone from managing myself to being an advocate for my son because well no one else will and that’s what us parents are for aren’t we?
To help our children when they can’t help themselves.
I don’t mind obviously but life can be really tough sometimes. Tougher than I let on to be honest.
With that in mind I really should be kinder to myself on those rare afternoons where Alfie is elsewhere and there’s no jobs to do.
But for some reason my mind just wanders to ……. “What actually is my purpose. Am I making a difference and does anyone actually notice me and the things I do? Does anyone really notice me?”
I wasn’t going to post this. I wrote this a few weeks ago.
However Alfie’s away for half term this week and I’m feeling this all over again.
I feel lost. I love being a Mum and it means everything to me that I have a baby that’s safe and healthy.
I just think I’ve lost myself recently. Life is that busy and we’ve got appointments for all sorts and fighting another stupid system that doesn’t work for the intended person. Then I’m here just plodding along when I can trying to find out who I am now or am I just a stay at home disabled Mum with a child who’s got difficulties and that’s it? I don’t even know what clothes suit me any more……
Maybe 2022 will be the year I can figure it out.