I’m trying to love myself more.
I’ve ended up in a bad place about myself at the moment.
Between not working due to my health and being overweight I suddenly found myself in a bad place.
I have got to a point where I didn’t think I deserved to have time for self care because I don’t work. I started to believe and I still do unfortunately that my rest time to recover should be classed as my self care and me time. Sitting down to rest and let my body heal is not something I find appealing to have to just sit down or lie down and do nothing just to be able to function enough through the day. If you have a Chronic Illness you will understand this, that the recovery bit and rest bit is frustrating and far from self care.
I’ve battled with my weight for many years and more recently I hate my body for what it’s done. To me it’s failed me having this stupid FND or at least that’s how I feel in my eyes. Only now I look back when I thought I should be loosing more weight when actually I should have been happy with how I was.
Now I weigh as much as what I did after I had Alfie and I hate it. I’m that person that’s been sucked into the social media front that portrays everyone should be slim to be attractive.However I need to accept my body and the way it is, I’m older now and I’m not as active. Our bodies change over time. Right now I need to focus on being happy and loving myself again, not trying to fit into a size 10/12 because that’s apparently the ideal shape of a woman. Which I don’t actually believe by the way.
As for the other point I mentioned. It’s hard to say how it’s happened really. I guess because I feel like I’m not contributing enough in life now that I can’t work that I shouldn’t be allowed time for self care. I feel like I need to keep proving myself and prove my independence and that I am still me. I feel like I need to match those people around me to show that I am still enough as a person even though I can’t work at the moment. I realise when I write this it sounds silly but that’s how I have felt. I just didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I ask for help so much to get dressed, shower, pass me a walking stick, help with things, get a cleaner because I can’t manage and help me with my scooter.
No one has ever said anything. It’s just me. For whatever reason I feel selfish for taking me time and that I should devote whatever energy I can muster that day into doing things for family and friends. I have to be honest though and say that this way of thinking hasn’t exactly made me the happiest of people.
I didn’t and haven’t felt like me. I was someone else and was searching for happiness and couldn’t quite find it. I wouldn’t find it though would I if I wasn’t being kind to myself.
However, after finally admitting all this to my husband and myself. Hopefully now it’s on paper I will commit to myself to being a bit kinder to myself.