Before the unimaginable happens (your baby dying), I guess this kind of thing will seem strange and odd to some people.
I mean, why would you want to remember your baby that died? Surely that upsets you as a parent even more? Wrong!
It’s not remembering them, never speaking their name and other people ‘moving on’ and forgetting you might still get upset, that’s worse. It’s like they never existed. I mean we talk about other older family members that have passed don’t we? I talk about my Grandad and reminisce frequently, so why is it any different for a baby that I held and watched die?
Ah right yes that’s it………because no one wants to upset you and watch you cry. People get scared of people that cry, they never know what to say. Also my guess is because we didn’t get much time with them it’s like we don’t have right to talk about them because we barely knew them.
If you have never had to watch your baby die in your arms, let me describe it to you……
Take yourself back to that blissful moment when they arrived. When you were wrapped up in awe and magic and wonder. Nothing else mattered in the world because your beautiful perfect baby was here and all you wanted to do was to love, protect and care for them. You want to share them with the world and do everything you can for them.
Now imagine your insides have been ripped out and someone trod on your heart on the floor. Your baby is now lifeless in your arms and took their last breath. Oh crap hang on, the nurse is here, you’ve had your time with them. She’s telling you that you now have to say goodbye and leave. You’ve had your time with them, now you will never see them again. Ever.
Hurts right? Was I too harsh? Was I too blunt? Should I have sugar coated it? Nope. Why? That’s the harsh reality of having lost a baby, a baby that died in your arms.
I do everything I can in my power to make life good for Alfie, I love him and protect him, I care for him wih everything I can possibly give him. So why is it any different with Ethan? It’s not. I am just doing what any Mummy wants to do, I am protecting his memory. It helps me a little bit in my journey, so people don’t forget him……and the way I see it, if we can talk about and share memories etc about other loved ones why can I not do it with Ethan? Makes no difference.
So yeah, I might get a cake on his birthday every year, I might buy things in his memory but the truth is, it hurts too damn much if I don’t. This way, it might just hurt a little bit less and that way I still feel like a Mummy to my baby that died in my arms.
28 mins old
I love you so so much baby boy. So much that it hurts.