Memories are lovely but some are really hard. It was Ethan’s anniversary recently, three years since he was born. Sounds like a long time doesn’t it? To me it isn’t. It still hurts just as much as it did that day if I’m honest and I think it always will, as time goes on you basically just learn to cope with it better and put a sheild up to protect yourself. The trouble is that shield disappears sometimes. Like anniversaries. I dread them every time. It’s the run up to the day too, not just the actual day. You start re-living every moment that happened before hand. The last memory of them kicking, the last happy memory you had, the last time you were blissfully unaware. Inside while you are secretly in pain and dealing with all this, remembering every tiny detail possible, everyone around you is just carrying on with their lives. Which is fine, I mean it didn’t happen to them. The trouble is as time goes on it feels like everyone else around you has forgtten that tiny baby you once held in your arms, that once lived and died in your arms. That baby that was once a part of you.
I try and just carry on as normally as possible but certain days are really tough like the scan date, the day we confirmed our decision, the day we went in and the day we had him. There are so many things around you that set you off where you end up in floods of tears, triggers everywhere. I had a patient at work recently that set me off, I ended up crying and had to explain bless her! Songs on the radio, things on the TV. Its already such an emotional time that it’s hard to watch and hear things around you sometimes.
For me the hardest thing about his anniversary is that worry that people will forget and just expect me to be ok now because it was a few years ago and I have another baby. The other thing that I find hard is worrying that I will forget any details about the day and what happened and things I said or did. How he looked, the touch of his skin and how he smelt. Everything, its all just a memory. His anniversary also reminds me of lots of things I wish I had done, soe of which are private but some include, pictures of his feet. I never saw his feet, I can’t remember them I didn’t ress him I asked the nurse too because I think I was too scared, I also remember not wanting a photograph with him and no I have none. This really upsets me, I’d give anything to have a photo with him, a picture of his feet and do all those things with him that I will never get to do. Read him a story and feel his arms around my neck. Anniversaries are also a reminder of everything that will never be, everything that has been ripped awsy from you with your baby. First steps, first laugh, first smile, first day at school. First everything.
There are no rules on how to handle anniversaries, my husband and I have found our own way just like many other angel Mums and Dads. For the past three years we have got a gift in his memory (first year his ashes into a bear, second year a keyring and this year a scrapbook with our memories of him in it), we buy a cake, go out for lumch and usually we get two balloons and keep one at home and release another at the cemetry. It might sound a bit strange how we do things but you know what? Who cares! Its awful loosing a baby and watching them die, a part of you is always broken so I think however you manage to get through that day is probably fine!!!!
I could go on forever about my little angel baby but I think for now I will leave this one here. I probably haven’t made any sense in this blog but I hope you have enjoyed reading it.
Thanks for tuning in 🙂
Emma xxx

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