Do you ever get picked? I don’t. Not really, I got picked by my husband and I would say that’s the only one I care about but it’s not true.
I never got picked in school or college…..although I somehow managed to bag myself 2 amazing friends in college that I still speak to now. So I guess you could say I got picked 3 times. I never got picked in University either.
I started social media to raise awareness of baby loss and tell the world Ethan’s name, telling people about my Dyspraxia and what it was. I now have other life experiences and things I can share to educate people and hopefully so others feel less alone like I did. There’s many times in my life I have felt alone and I guess deep down that’s another reason I started social media because I wanted to be picked and feel less alone.
There are times that people have said I can rely on them, talk to them, make plans with them but can I really? I’m rubbish at reaching out as I feel like such a burden so I’ll never ask you first. It works both ways though and I don’t always feel like I’m anyone’s first pick.
I’m not the one that people go to with a problem, I’m not the one you ask for help, I’m not the one you think of first when you want to see a friend. Sometimes I think even my own family don’t ask me to help them because it might be too much for me, which is nice but I want to feel wanted and to be picked.
Sometimes I think maybe people assume I’m too ill to leave the house or do anything now I have FND but the truth is this has been happening my whole life. I’m the one that plans a night out or a party and every single person cancels on me. In fact this happens so often I don’t really plan stuff anymore.
I’m the one that finds out last or gets invited last. I feel like I’m the go to when all other options have been used. The truth is I let this happen and never stop it because honestly I just want to feel wanted, like I have been picked by someone other than the 3 people that have picked me.
I’m not picked on social media because I’m not fake and I don’t have a luxury house. I’m over weight with a standard house, a disability, a sen child and a shit load of bad luck to be quite honest. I can’t even share a talent because other than talking I don’t have one!! Sometimes I feel like just packing social media in to be quite honest as these days it feels more like a popularity contest and who can get the most free stuff. I won’t though as I chat to some lovely people and honestly the main reasons I get good tips and advice on there. Plus if I did I’m pretty sure I’d feel even more lonely.
You’re probably thinking by now Mrs Shep this is really negative…….but think about it….. is it negative if it’s true? I don’t feel like I am ever picked, people forget about me or assume I have too much on (when actually I could probably use a break), my house isn’t perfect but not many peoples are, I am overweight but I can’t loose weight so …… (note – overweight not ugly!)
Maybe it’s because I’m too much, too talkative or because people don’t want to catch my bad luck, maybe I’m not as much as a likeable person as I thought I was.
All I know is I feel like I am on the outside looking in and watching people do things with old friends and new and popular on social media and then there’s me. My social media insights reach is as low online as it is in real life.
If sometimes you do pick me though, even if it’s just once, just know I really appreciate it. This blog isn’t too get at anyone, I haven’t written this with someone in mind. This is just how I feel but I have felt like this my whole life.
To my husband and my best friends. Thank you for picking me.