The last time…..

There’s a lot of last times in life. The last time you are a certain age, the last time you see a friend, the last time you cry tears over that boy that hurt you, the last time you cry tears over the bullies that upset you.
There are good last times and bad last times.
The last ever exam I will take! Ok this happened years ago now but my god it felt good! Blood, sweat and a LOT of tears went into my degree over 5 very long flipping years but that last exam? My god it felt good! Having dyslexia DID NOT make light work of doing that degree but for more reasons than I can type here beleive me that felt good lol!
Rachel. The last time I saw a friend. I never knew it was the last time at the time, after she had gone may be I knew then. Either way if I knew it was the last time I think I would have said more than “it will be ok”. I should have said something more given it was the last time.
Ethan. The last time I saw your tiny face. Your tiny face and fingers imprinted on my mind. Your tiny 3 breaths that you took. Your last breath. No first look. No first words. Barely any firsts for any lasts. Just one last look at your face that I will treasure in my mind forever. The last time I smelt your skin. The last time I held you, touched you and cuddled you. The last time I could whisper in your ear “Mummy loves you so much, please forgive me”. The last time I said goodbye to you broke my heart into a trillion pieces. I never knew at the start that I would see you for a last time.
Alfie. Oh my darling Alfie. The last time I what? The last time I everything! I treasure it all! The last time I hold you like a baby to drink your milk, the last time you crawled, the last time you lay sleeping in a cot, the last time I snuggled you into a baby gro and sleepsuit. The last time I will carry you that way. The last time I helped to feed yourself and to all the future last times. The last time you will call me Mummy and start with……Mum, the last time you will run to me, the last time you will want to hold my hand. The last time you will need me. I will treasure it all. The saddest part is, I will never know it was the last time until it’s gone.
The last time you will feel a baby growing in your belly.
The last time you will feel that fear over if you get to bring this baby home.
The last time you read an actual book because now EVERYONE thinks kindles are better!!!! (I love my kindle but I so much prefer actual paper back books lol!!!)
The last time you walk out those school gates as a student.
Childcarefees! Now that’s one last time I look forward to the most ha ha!!!
The last time we said goodbye.
The last time you let someone treat you that way.
The last time you can walk unaided?
The last time someone wrote you an actual letter and didnt just send a text!
The last time you said I love you to someone.
The last time you saw that special person in your life.
The last time you saw their face.
The last time you will get the chance.
Treasure the moments no matter how hard. You just never know when it will be the last time.
Thank you for reading.
Much love
Emma xxx

By Admin

I am Mrs Shep aka Emma. Mum of boys. I suffer for FND and I also have dyslexia and dyspraxia. I chat about everything from baby loss and (sen) parenting to general life stuff. I even through in some meal ideas and recipes sometimes too!

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