I always think the worst.
If you have also experienced organising a funeral for your own child then you too will understand the sheer indescribable pain that comes with watching your child take the first and final breaths.
I have written various blogs about what it’s like experiencing baby loss. What I haven’t talked about though is how this experience has reflected on the rest of my life.
I saw a post a while ago now which led me writing this blog as I related so much too it.
This might seem sad to some of you or even silly. The thing is having experienced the worst thing possible and not being prepared for it (FYI, you are never actually prepared just so you know) I now fear the worst in most cases of things.
I fear loosing another loved one. I fear something happening to Alfie or Ste. Or even myself.
I dread going on the motorway now and feel like I’m crying inside through shear fear that we will crash. I can’t actually watch what’s going on it scares me that much. If Alfie is with me in the car I’m worse.
If Alfie gets poorly I instantly come up with a plan in my head of what to do if something happens. I think of everything that might be wrong and how to fix it if needs be or what do pack if we have to go to hospital.
I worry if Ste isn’t home when he usually is. Ridiculous I know because he’s a grown man but I worry that something might have happened to him.
Whilst I was undergoing tests to find out why I couldn’t walk properly anymore, I was so worried that something would happen to me and I wouldn’t see Alfie grow up. I thought about how Ste would manage and what I could do to help if that might happen. Drastic? May be. I was scared though and had no idea what was wrong.
The thing is. Loosing Ethan broke me. Literally. It was a huge shock and I didn’t know how to cope. As humans we honestly are not designed for that amount of pain. Trust me. If your brave enough, try and imagine living without one of your children, that pain and sadness you feel? Triple it. That’s what it’s like.
So as you can imagine, that pain I felt was so bloody painful and unimaginable. I can’t go through that kind of pain again I just can’t. The thing is though now, I just imagine the worst things in so many different circumstances. May be it’s to prepare myself just in case I don’t know, I try not too. I take deep breaths and rationalise with myself. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. There you have it though. Another insight though into the world of an Angel Mummy xx
I always think the worst.