If you follow me on Instagram or you read my blog on wheelchair assistance through the airport you will know we recently went away.
Something that might not have crossed your mind but when we go away we have to find someone to look after Ethan.
Ethan, my son who died.
Now let me take you back to 2014 and 2015. The first year after he was born then died.
When we were expecting the arrival and imminent death of our son, we where given a lot of information. “He may be born alive”, “he may not have fully developed we don’t know”, we also got told when we where planning funeral that we may not get many or any ashes from his cremation.
Now as you may or may not be able to imagine when going through all this, delivering your dead baby or a baby that will die, planning your child’s funeral. I can honestly say your head is everywhere. You can barely manage to remember to wash and eat let alone anything else.
We very slowly managed to get back to some sort of a normal life.
We never got a phone call about Ethan’s ashes so we assumed we didn’t have any. I mean he weighed 440g so it was understandable.
However I was on the arc forum website (antenatal results and choices) reading and chatting to other parents and something hit me and I had a huge break down. It was that uncontrollable sob where you can’t breathe. I phoned Ste in a panic thinking oh my god what if I have left him somewhere, I felt lost without him, I felt like a terrible Mum and I felt incomplete.
I got home that day to find my hubby had been phoning round places that day, only to find that we had Ethan’s ashes waiting for us at the funeral home.
Now this all happened in February 2015, 8 months after our son was born and then died.
Eight months without him and feeling empty and lost. That emptiness is the worst feeling ever.
So as you can imagine when we finally got him back we didn’t want to let him go. So Ste and I had a chat and that’s how his ashes came to be put in a bear. So we could keep him and cuddle him.
Those 8 months without him where unbearable. We had painted his nursery and planned his future and the suddenly he was gone eithout a trace. Nothing left behind other than an unworn baby gro.
So you see, the though of leaving our son home alone for more than a day extends to more than “what if someone stole him” it feels like we are leaving him, abandoning him. So you see, if we go away, he comes with us or stay’s with family or his Godmother. My son is loved and will always be cared for and looked after. Even in death.
That’s why he will never be left at home, because it took so long to get him back the thought of leaving him alone at home just fills me with dread and horror.
He’s still part of our family and he will always be looked after.